1. She pregames the pregame.
It doesn’t matter what the activity, if she’s there, she’s there with alcohol. She drinks before chapter, she drinks before sisterhoods, she drinks when the event is supposed to be dry. It doesn’t matter, because her number one mission in life is to have as much fun as possible, and she would never let something as dumb as “the legal drinking age” or “24 hours dry” get in the way of it. True, sometimes she gets so fucked up she’s pulled over by the cops at 9:30pm on foot, but she doesn’t see this as a bad thing. It’s a badge of honor to have the highest BAC in the building, and she’s not going to slow down until she’s 27 and it’s time to get married.
2. She has at least three guys on call at all times.
If there’s one thing the party girls are good at, it’s juggling. You may think you’re the only one delivering her happy meal this weekend, but chances are even if you’re the starter, you’re not the only name on her roster. She likes to keep her options open. There are so many guys on the planet and on campus, why would she limit herself to one at a time?
3. She doesn’t talk to you sober.
She is not looking for a boyfriend or a husband. She’s looking for a good time for a short while. She doesn’t give half a shit what you’re doing on a Tuesday morning or what your major is. She might not ignore you when she sees you in full daylight, but she definitely will not let anyone around her know that you mean anything special to her, because you don’t. Party girls see boys as replaceable. They’re vehicles for sex, giggles, and free food.
4. Your favorite sweatshirt has mysteriously disappeared.
If there’s one thing party girls love more than Taco Bell, it’s boy’s clothes. They’re masters of sweetly asking to borrow your cozy new mom’s weekend sweatshirt only to wear it home and never let you see it again. They’ll say they’re washing it and swear they’re “like, totally going to return it,” when in reality, the second she pulls your shirt over her head is the moment you say goodbye to it for good.
5. She leaves before 8AM.
Party girls hate commitment. It grosses them out and also kind of scares them, so they avoid the morning after completely. This might seem like a plus at first, but when you’ve been regularly sleeping together for a month and she is still nowhere to be found when you open your eyes, it can get frustrating.
6. She uses your friends to make you jealous.
Never, ever piss off a party girl. She doesn’t care about you, and she will use your best friends to get back at you. You may be thinking, wait- no- my boys would never do me like that. You’re wrong. They will. She has a decent rack and a fantastic ass, plus she’s good at flirting. There’s only so much a red-blooded American male can resist, nine beers down.
7. She pretends to like you because you took English 330 last semester.
The party girl is an expert at using boys to her advantage. She’s had her dad wrapped around her finger since she could walk, and she has no qualms about making you think she’s falling for you because she knows there’s no way in hell she’s passing accounting on her own. As soon as she gets that A+, she’s more gone than a pledge on his first night out.
8. She uses you for hard alcohol.
She likes to get fucked up, so she’ll sidle up to you wearing a tight little dress, tell you your fraternity is her absolute favorite, and before you know it she’ll be whispering in your ear and asking you if you’ve seen her best friends Burnett’s, Jack, Mary Jane, Molly, or Addy. And you’ll give it to her.
9. You’re her backup date dash date but she’s your first priority.
With so many boys at your school, how could she possibly be expected to take you on her date dash or formal? She doesn’t want you to get the wrong idea, and she also doesn’t want to develop feelings herself. Chances are she’ll take some 6’2” blonde from your rival fraternity, but if you take anyone but her on your fraternity’s cruise, you had better go into the witness protection program.
10. What’s your name again?
You may have met her three times by now, but she still has you saved in her phone has “Lambda Chi, I think” if she has you saved at all. She cares more about what house you’re in than your last name, and if you look in her most recent text messages, she’s definitely asked her friends to remind her if you’re Jason or Jacob.
So before you get into bed with a party girl, make sure that you’re ready to wake up next to a cold, makeup smeared pillow-case. It’s 2015 and boys aren’t the only emotionally unavailable fuckers on campus..
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