Well, that’s it everyone. Pack up. Go home. Delete your social media accounts, because there’s no point in trying anymore. After years of posting “inspirational” quotes and somewhat blurry pictures of your friends’ dogs, it’s time to give up. Taylor Swift (you know, girl-good-turned sort-of-slutty, insanely petty, catchy AF musician) has officially made the world, and Instagram, her bitch.
Now usually, I don’t care about stuff like this. And if we’re being honest, neither should you. We’re all just now in a place where we feel good about our 1,000+ followers. We don’t need to compare ourselves to people who are so obviously out of our league. But what if they’re not people at all? Considering the fact that the girl who used to sing about riding on horses and falling in love with someone else’s boyfriend is now the most followed person in the world, we need to evaluate something for a second.
Tay, who now has 45.5 million Instagram followers, just won the title after taking it from none other than Kim Kardashian. You know, the queen of selfies, sex tapes, and “dat ass.” At first this seems to be whatever. Kim’s annoying. Taylor’s annoying. Someone has to be on top. But remember when Kim’s husband stole Tay’s shining moment in 2009?
Of course you do. And at first, I thought this was just coincidence. Tay is just naturally getting Instagram followers as she’s tricking people into thinking she’s a “normal, awkward girl.” You know, despite the insane amount of money, hot AF boyfriend, and rockin’ bod. But she likes cats, so we’re all basically the same. But if you look at 1:20 on the video, you’ll see it.
The anger. The determination. The need for revenge.
But wait. It gets creepier. Who is Kanye defending? Beyoncé. Who did Kim just surpass in Instagram followers? BEYONCÉ. So, let’s just take a moment to think about this.
Taylor gets fucked over in 2009. She then builds up her popularity, taking down anyone in her path (read: Katy Perry) and slowly convinces people that she’s just an awkward, normal girl. Then, as Kim and Bey are duking it out for the most likes on their selfies, Taylor is building her army. Pulling in gorgeous, quirky, and “normal if they weren’t supermodels” friends, she starts to make us think that people actually like her.
So we start to like her.
And then, just when people think that Kim and Bey will always be on top, Taylor makes her move. Only days after she posted a picture of flowers Kanye sent her, Taylor she steals the Insta spotlight from the two people who knocked her down at the start of her career. Coincidence? No effing way.
So now, she has the number one account on Instagram, she has a gaggle of hot friends, and she’s the most popular person in the world. We all know what it means. It’s right in front of us.
Taylor Swift is a witch. And her friends? Just a part of the coven.
On one hand, I’m terrified. But on the other hand, I’m impressed. A nobody girl turned into a BAMF witch? It’s like a real life fairytale, but with more subtweets and less adorable animals. Unless you count the inflatable ones, of course.
So that’s it. The truth has been revealed. My advice, follow her on Instagram and just accept the fact that she won. Bey might have her BeyHive, and Kim might have broken the internet, but Tay? She has a fucking coven. And that’s not shit you wanna mess with.
Or, you know, she’s just a really good singer. Either way, don’t say I didn’t, say I didn’t warn ya..