Finals are finally over and Christmas is just around the corner. Crafting, baking, wrapping presents, drinking wine and shopping are in the cards for your first two weeks back home. But once the 25th has come and gone, what’s next? Though the crafting, baking and wine drinking can continue, there isn’t a festive holiday to keep you busy enough to stay away from those awkward high school acquaintances. Here is your guide to surviving those run-ins with the unwanted.
The Freshmen Year Ex
He was 16 when you were 14, and you thought he was the best catch in the whole school. He was hot, played football, basketball and baseball. You had no idea what his grades or future goals were, and you didn’t care. He was popular with a fake ID and cool parents who let you drink at their house. Unfortunately, it had to end after three months because you were still scared of that “thing” in his pants.
Now you’re home for break, innocently grocery shopping, when you see someone who looks like they might’ve had a six-pack and a haircut at one point. As you try to decipher whether it’s your brother’s best friend or your waiter from last night, he calls your name, waddles over to you, and says his name as if it should mean something. It’s him. You put on your best “I still remember and care” face and learn that he dropped out of community college after half a semester and has been working at an automotive repair shop ever since. When he asks how you’re doing, instead of instinctively running away, make sure to throw in every detail about great your life is and that you actually have a future. As you turn and walk away, don’t feel too bad about your past choices. Thankfully, your timely fear of penises saved you from leaving the situation with no dignity.
Every sorority has one. The chapter of weird and/or fat girls that you never want to mention exists. At national events these girls frolic among the rest of your skinny, adorable sisters and talk about how they have retention problems. For some reason the girl who played tuba in the marching band at your high school that found “Virgin Diaries” far too realistic rushed at her school and received a bid from “that” chapter. Did I mention it was your sorority?
As you’re at lunch with one of the few girls you still talk to from home, obviously in your letters, you catch a glimpse of some very similar (possibly identical) letters on a body that doesn’t seem to match. You stare for a bit too long, and soon she stares back and comes trampling over to your table. Her excitement for your sisterhood is something you’ve been dreading ever since your late night Facebook stalking discovery a year ago. She greets you with your hand sign, which looks blasphemous on her and hurts your heart. Keep your head up and be nice. You are sisters. Besides, aren’t there black sheep in families everywhere? Know that just because your holy letters may be slightly stained at one school doesn’t mean that you need to totally shun her. You have class. Your time with her can be brief.
Kindly point out that you are still above her by mentioning your chapter’s national awards. Say goodbye and quickly change the topic with your friend who desperately wants to mock you. This encounter is never mentioned again. Ever.
The Hot History Teacher
From the moment you saw his name on your schedule sophomore year of high school, you knew it was love. Mr. History was funny, attractive, athletic, and it was common knowledge he had no problem with dating students once they graduated. When you were in his class you tried your hardest and made witty comebacks to all of his flirty lines. You always imagined him coming up to you right after graduation and ripping off your clothes. Sadly, this didn’t happen.
Now you’re back in town, and you and your GBF are tired of staying in and drinking while watching reruns of Grey’s every night, so you decide to brave it out and investigate the local bar scene. After sprinting out of two almost-encounters with girls you de-friended after graduation, you find a bar that seems, for lack of a better word, okay. As soon as you sit down and order your vodka on the rocks, who do you spy sitting at a table? Mr. History. And he sees you too. He walks over and you feel just like you’re back in room 219 listening to him talk about Colonel Mustard’s last stand, thinking about how high his salute stands.
It’s not long before your 15-year-old dream is coming true, and you’re whisked back to the house he shares with his brother, which reminds you a bit too much of your favorite fraternity’s party house…but at least it’s a comfortable setting.
In the morning, the drunken haze fades away and you quickly remember that Mr. History wasn’t everything your young mind thought he’d be. His ruler didn’t measure up the way you’d always imagined, and you quickly begin the search for your clothing. What’s worse than usual about this walk of shame? You have to pay for your own cab and hope your parents aren’t up.