Super Bowl Sunday for the Cynic

Super Bowl Sunday. It’s funny how I literally don’t watch a single football game all year long, nor could I even pretend to understand the game though my dad and my brother and my ex-boyfriend all played and expect me to care, but somehow when you throw alcohol into the mix, I make it a point to be there for the event. In fact, I hosted the last two years. It’s like I don’t learn. From my experiences, I’ve developed a list of Pros and Cons about Super Bowl Sunday. Warning: If you’re going to be a try-hard and come back at me with “I love football and actually understand the game and you’re just jealous that I’d do or say anything in the comments section of an anonymous website so that some boy I’ll never meet will say he wants to pee in my butt…that’s a REAL TSM” then you’re annoying and mayyyybe this isn’t the column for you. You’re allowed to like football, I don’t care, just shut up about it. Anyway…

If you’re hosting a Super Bowl party, you get to show off your housewife skills by cooking up an array of hors d’ouevres and dips for all the men in your life. Your decorations and delicious food will be adored by all, and you’ll get high off the “wow, you did such a great job with this” compliments you’ll undoubtedly be receiving all day long. You’ll feel like you really did your mother proud. I mean, no, I guess your seven-layer dip doesn’t really compare to her Thanksgiving Turkey, but you’re young. You can feel proud of yourself for hosting your first holiday. And Mr. Wonderful is totally going to notice.

Nope. Mr. Wonderful did not notice. He didn’t notice the decorations. He didn’t notice that you’d make a perfect wife and mother and instantly propose. And he didn’t even notice you accidentally giving him a sneak preview of your real goodies as you bent over to put a tray of pigs-in-a-blanket down in front of him. And that move ALWAYS works. The only thing he noticed was that you were in the way of the TV for 13 seconds when you were doing a nice thing and feeding him. GEEZ, WHY IS NO ONE PAYING ATTENTION TO YOU!

It’s an excuse to drink all day, not that you need an excuse. Plus it’s a football game, so if you’re into that sort of thing, it’s an excuse to bond with your man over your love or hate for a team. If you’re like me, you couldn’t give a shit less about the game, but this serves as an excuse to spend time with your boy, and fall in love with him and his team by showing off your “interest” in the game and “willingness to learn.”

He actually doesn’t give a shit about teaching you the game. Or about bonding with you about anything. Your attempts at flirting are ignored. Why the hell did you even invite him over? This is stupid. I guess you’ll just have to start eating all the awesome food you prepared even though you were totally planning on showing off your ability to starve yourself. You’re definitely going to regret buying eight different kinds of cheeses now that you realize you’ll be sampling them all.

There are a million hot football players in tight pants! Helloooooooo Tom Brady. Yes please. I’ll take an extra helping of that since I already ruined my diet for the day by having an extra helping of guacamole. And you’ll just mention that so your boy hears you say how hot he is. He will totally be jealous of your wandering eye.

Yeah, there’s been like one close-up of any hot guys. Turns out most of them are actually giant fat ogres. Clearly they didn’t get the memo that leggings are only pants if you’re skinny. And Tom Brady doesn’t want to date you. Apparently neither does your boyfriend right now.

You’ve realized at this point you probably should have just gone shopping today. The malls are probably empty. It would have been a wonderful oasis of merchandise and bored employees who are willing to serve. Bummer. At least the commercials will be funny. And you have half-time to look forward to! You always love the performances!!!

Nicki fucking Minaj. Probably.

At least at the end of the end of this excrutiating “one hour” (that’s a trick I wish I never fell for) you can say football season is over.

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Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at

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