Stop Harassing Your Ex With Annoying Drunk Texts

Drunk text

There I was, once again drunk texting my ex after another weekend where I said I was going to be a boss ass bitch who didn’t need him. But after a few drinks, and then a few more, and then losing count of how many drinks I had combined with seeing a picture of my once “soulmate,” I drunkenly snuck away from my friends and shot him a text.

Texting our exes when we shouldn’t is like a drug. And the question is, how do we quit? How do we get over that perfectly chiseled, funny, past love of our lives? If I could give you the answer, I would. Because it would save us all a lot of pain and a lot of extra alcohol money. While I have yet to find the cure, seeing as I sent one of my infamous drunk texts about a week ago, I can help with the next best thing: how to start getting over him.

We all want to be free of emotion and pain, but we are human girls and emotions run through us more than Kanye runs through his bank account. So the real key to it all is to act like you’re awesome until you realize you actually are, which you’ve probably been the whole time but you were too busy crying over his Instagram while playing DJ in your pants to notice.

First of all, block his number. Delete it, who cares? However you do it, cut off your means of communication with him. And I mean seriously cut off, like Edward ScissorHands cut off from your phone. And yes, even Instagram. If you have good friends they will stalk him for you, and his ugly slampiece too if they really love you. But if you keep looking at all of his idiotic Instagram posts and pointless Snapchat stories, you’ll just miss him more and be tempted to slide into his DMs and then back into his bed.

Second of all, surround yourself with friends. Laughter is totally the best medicine besides tequila, especially if it’s with your girls who totally hate your ex more than you ever could. You need a support system and people who look hot as fuck to take pictures with so he knows you are doing perfectly fine without him, even if you’re secretly not. Then with your hot friends, get Tinder “as a joke” and build your confidence up with some of those weirdos’ messages. For example, I was feeling down one day then got a message that said “your tits look like my mom’s, wanna bang?” And I automatically had a better day. I was touched, truly, because this guy’s mom must have a great rack but sadly also a very strange stay-at-home son. But that message, as creepy as it was, still was a confidence booster and did improve my mood because it gave me a lot of laughs.

Then after experiencing the adventures of Tinder, my favorite strategy of them all to get over a guy and seem like a bad bitch is to get with someone else. There is literally a saying that says to get over someone, that you need to get under someone else and fucking Aristotle couldn’t have said it better himself. I may still drunkenly, and sometimes soberly, text my ex, but the few times I’ve had slampieces, my ex was the last thing on my mind for a good minute. We need distractions and interactions that aren’t with him. Because after a bunch of time and vodka and regrets and laughs, one day you’ll just be chilling out and realize: you don’t miss him anymore. But for the meantime in this awkward adjustment phase, stay strong, party your ass off, and don’t catch the feels. Or anything from your slam(s) either.

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