Starbucks is the mecca of srat life. It’s a fact and it can’t be denied. We trust Starbucks, frequent it often, and feel complete with a latte in hand. Additionally, beer is the mecca of frat life. It’s a fact and it can’t be denied. It’s the reason most guys get up in the morning, it can be the cause and solution to many of life’s problems, and drinking beer is considered a hobby. You would think the combination of these two sacred elements of our daily existence would be a groundbreaking, cultural phenomenon for Greeks everywhere. Nope. Wrong. Negative.
Starbucks has just released a drink it’s testing that tastes like a stout beer. This foul sounding beverage is called the “dark barrel latte.” To make matters worse, it is topped with whipped cream and a dark caramel sauce, but–wait for it–CONTAINS NO ALCOHOL. Essentially Starbucks is selling you a beer-flavored coffee. If you ever choose to ingest this drink, you won’t have any sort of buzz, and you will have to spend an extra hour on the treadmill working off those extra calories from the whipped cream and caramel sauce. Turn off. People who have tried the concoction have tweeted that it does, indeed, taste like a “morning cup of Guinness Irish Stout.”
I know what you’re thinking: “Why, Starbucks? Just why?” Have you ever heard anyone wake up and say, “Man, I could really go for a nonalcoholic Irish stout right now”? No! The reason most people drink beer and enjoy it so much is for the effects–not so much the taste. In this case, two rights can definitely make a wrong.
This beer/coffee/whatever is only currently available at select Starbucks locations. I know Starbs is all about pushing the envelope, and it’s a good idea in theory, but come on. You can’t release a “beer coffee” with no alcohol included and expect everyone to be cool with it. That’s false marketing. The only logical explanation for Starbucks’ newest creation is so customers can finish off their drink orders with a “make it Irish”–and this was its idea for a solution. Making an Irish-inspired drink without whiskey is just sacrilegious, and Arthur Guinness is most definitely rolling over in his grave right now. If you really want an alcoholic, Irish-inspired coffee, just go the old-fashioned route and give it a good spike.