If you’ve ever had to wear Spanx under jeans, you know the struggle is not only real, it is everything. If you had a recruitment chair who believed your chapter desperately needed the suck-in of Spanx under the recruitment T-shirts you were wearing, you’ve experienced the useless pain of spandywear under denim. Sure, Spanx erase your lumps and lines, but that’s mostly for events like formals, where you drink enough to pretend the pain isn’t happening.
If you’re the type of girl who’s a glutton for punishment, have I got the trend for you. No need to keep calling your ex-not-boyfriend and crying, because this will be way more purposelessly painful: Spanx jeans. The Spanx empire, savior of sorority girls everywhere, is branching out into the skinny jeans of your nightmares, not your dreams. Starting July 25, they’ll present the perfect way to pretend you’re summertime skinny, no filter needed. They’re offering two styles, so prepare accordingly.
The first style is called the Signature, and it’s high-waisted with a wide waistband (for those of you who love mom jeans). It even comes with a handy side zipper, so you’ll look super sexy if you’re caught shacking in them. The other style is the Slim-X, and it’s a traditional, five-pocket jean. It’s not old school Britney Spears low-rise, but it’s less intense than the almost empire waist of the Signature, I think. You can also tuck your shirt into the Slim-X, in case you want to look like a Kindergarten teacher (only super skinny).
The jeans have “patent-pending hidden shaping features that create a perky rear and all-around slimming fit.” Last time I checked, jeans were supposed to be comfy, but I guess a “perky rear” is worth the pain. Both types of jeans will be available in skinny, straight, and bootleg, and prices start at $148. I guess that isn’t too expensive when it comes to jeans, but it’s extremely expensive when you’re paying to be in pain.