As a young “adult,” being born in the early ’90s, I can remember the time before social media dominated, and The Land Before Time, when dinosaurs existed within VCRs attached to Television sets, rather than a click away on Netflix. Unfortunately, real communication has become just as extinct as dinosaurs, and I’m pretty sure if we resurrected Darwin himself, he might not even recognize what species we’ve evolved from. Lads, if you thought it was tough finding a sane girl a couple years back, well you’re SOL, because social media has turned the average “Crazy Girlfriend” a whole lot crazier.
1. Timelines: The Disaster Down Memory Lane
Scrolling through anyone’s history in the form of a “Timeline” holds the equivalence of storing your entire life memoir into a manila folder, where social media acts as the holy grail of filing cabinets, except everyone holds the keys. Sure, it’s cute to hear old stories about your boyfriend and that time he had his first kiss via truth-or-dare on the back of the school bus, or seeing some baby pictures of him laying around the house, maybe even an old prom picture with a girl who wasn’t you. Yeah we can handle that. Although, when the “Crazy Girlfriend” goes far enough into his profile pictures to find an old picture of him kissing his ex girlfriend? “Uh, yeah, babe, can you delete that?” Or if you really fall into the “Crazy Girlfriend” category, you’ll probably just delete it yourself while he’s asleep…and unfriend…and unfollow her too, while you’re at it.
2. Statuses: The Adult Baby Monitors
Social Media allows your girlfriend to look farther into things than she already does. Meaning detailed times, whereabouts, and occurrences, making it harder for you to white lie or charm your way out of trouble. Personally, I don’t believe it’s healthy to know what your significant other is doing every second of every day. Yes, ladies, you may call them “baby,” but I assure you he is no baby, nor does he need to be treated like one. Sadly, social media allows us to do exactly that. We have the ability to monitor their every move. If his most recent Snapchat story was posted “five minutes ago,” but has yet to respond to that text you sent him an hour ago, you’re in big trouble, mister.
3. Likes: The Manmade PDA Button
This is probably one of the greater danger zones within a relationship, and men, I suggest you proceed with caution. With social media holding our generation’s highest popularity, girls have more to worry about than the attractive woman we catch our boyfriends taking a second glance at in the park. There are gorgeous girls dominating social media everywhere we turn. We’ve even created a like button to portray our public display of affections, virtually that is. The “Crazy Girlfriend” is already a naturally jealous creature, so when she stumbles upon pictures her man has liked prior to their relationship, jealousy will increase at a rapid rate. Or if she sees recently liked photos of another girl’s selfie, well I’ll be praying for ya!
4. Stalking: The Modern Day Welcome Mat
Let’s throw it back to when LG flip phones, Motorola Razrs, and away messages on AIM were all the hype. The term “stalking” actually held alarming significance. Back to the times when talking to an AIM robot (SmarterChild) and in public group chats could lead us to real life stalkers, but now we can fastforward to the oh so glorious present day where stalking has become a public norm. Meet a cute guy last night? Sure, let’s stalk him on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat. Hell, the world is your oyster! Personal interests, favorites, and hobbies are now neatly laid out onto a silver platter, and have been spoon fed to us better than Gerber Baby’s pureed peas. Getting to know each other? Ha, how ’90s of you! When you can just stalk his Insta, see what sports teams he likes and the next time you “accidentally” run into him, act like you like them too! Although, once your predetermined relationship finally commences, your boyfriend will slowly but surely learn that you in fact believed the Tar Heels were from South Carolina, you actually have no idea who the hell Vinny Chase from Entourage is, nor do you know a single Nirvana song other than “Smells Like Teen Spirit” and his poor naïve little heart will see your impeccably hidden craziness prevail along with that neatly spun “spidey” web of facades unravel..