Columns

Sober Sister Pros and Cons

Once upon a time, it was decided that the chapter president and the risk management chair should not be the only two women at an event who are plagued with sobriety, since emergencies like vomiting, police raids, and date misbehavior may occur. Whether it’s out of the kindness of your heart (doubtful), or too many run-ins with standards (more likely), you might find yourself in the position where you have the misfortune of being a sober sister. I’m here to tell you that it’s actually NOT the end of the world. I volunteered once, and my offer was met by a solid 45 seconds of confused silence among my sisters before someone chimed in “Oh, right, you have the Rho Chi retreat the next morning,” which was immediately followed by a mutual 150-something person sigh of relief. Through my experience I learned that even though the phrase “sober sister” is one of the biggest oxymorons in the English language, it is possible to enjoy your night. I’ve compiled a list of the pros and cons of this very important responsibility.

PRO: You can drive your own car, which means avoiding any and all possible contact between your new Louboutin pumps and frat boy puke (or worse, piss) on the bus.

CON: You’re obligated to give a ride to those who were, um…politely asked to leave the venue. I’d do anything for a sister in trouble, but the smell of her date’s regurgitated dinner lingering for days in my backseat? Not cute.

PRO: Normal, intelligent conversation with the opposite sex! It was at my first (and only) sober event when I struck up a conversation with a cutie and discovered something I never knew before. I HAD GAME! The conversation was flowing, I made him laugh, and we actually hit it off. It was way different than the usual getting to know each other by dry humping and screaming “WHAT’S YOUR MAJOR?” and “WHERE DO YOU LIVE ON CAMPUS?” over the song “Give Me Everything Tonight.” Which brings me to my next point…

CON: It’s not appropriate and definitely weird if you hook up with this guy. For instance, when I pulled into said boy’s driveway later that night, he thanked me for the ride, and get this…INVITED ME IN. For a minute I considered how cute he was and the fact that I’d have my car in the morning, but like, on what planet do you soberly hook up after a mixer with someone you JUST MET? Thanks, but no thanks.

PRO: There’s no pressure to find a date. My sober event happened right after a rough breakup, and I couldn’t even entertain the idea of asking someone. Thankfully it was a crush party, so most sisters brought multiple dates, and the usual fraternity suspects who managed to get tickets were present. The abundance of men who were there for the taking made it totally not awkward, and actually kind of fun. If you have to be sober for something, pick an event that you’re not required to bring someone. Being sober at a date function with a new guy sucks. Being sober at a date function with an established boyfriend who’s guaranteed to be wasted, despite your lack of inebriation, might suck more. Being sober at a date function with no date? I’d rather kill myself.

CON: Be careful not to end up someone’s babysitter. My little, the precious angel that she is, left early with her boyfriend after spending an hour with her head in the toilet. This is when her other date, her boyfriend’s parasitic friend, latched onto me. Not only was he a GDI, but he was fucking ugly and for some reason he thought it was ok to try to dance with me, which made me want to vom more than my little had after her 6 long island iced teas. Normally (if I was wasted) I would have had no problem telling this dude to fuck off, but sober me is more polite, so I got stuck with this loser for the better part of the evening.

PRO: Tomorrow you won’t have an epic hangover.

CON: You didn’t get fucking drunk. Duh.

Being sober and looking out for your sisters is something you should experience at least once. Not really for the moral aspect of it, but because it’s hilarious to witness the debauchery of such an event and remember the details.

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