Should I Take My Nipples Off Tinder Or Nah?

Tinder’s “Smart Photo” feature is as ingenious as it is creepy. For those of you who don’t know, if you turn this feature on, Tinder will determine which of your photos is your “Top Photo,” and then arrange your photos so that your best image appears to people first. The app acquires this data by temporarily experimenting with your images. It will serve all of your photos to different users and see which photos get you the most right swipes.

And it gets better than that. Tinder also logs what swipers like. So, say, for instance, your best photo is a picture of you with a dog, but some dude usually swipes left on dog photos, that photo won’t be served to him first. Your second “best” photo will be. Users who turn Smart Photo on see an increase in likes by 12% which makes sense given all the data the app is copping.

So naturally, I turned the feature on. Mama needs all the right swipes she can get. And this morning, I woke up to a notification. Tinder had done its deed and reorganized all of my photos for ~optimal likes.~ I logged in, and I’m going to be honest. I wasn’t thrilled with what I saw.

Just happy to see you. #ACLFest

A photo posted by Veronica Ruckh (@veronicaruckh) on

Look. I’m not going to play coy here. I knew what I was doing when I put that photo into the world, and I knew what I was doing when I put it on Tinder. I’ve been saying for, like, two years now that nipples are nature’s accessory. But what I didn’t account for was that my nipples were out there on a dating app doing all the talking for me, and I wasn’t quite sure I liked what they were saying.

My photos are now being arranged so that it’s quite literally tits out for the boys. I’ve been wondering since I put that photo up if I should take it down. I want my profile to say “Hey! I’m cute and funny, and if you stick around for awhile and/or scroll through all my pictures, there’s something fun in it for you beneath the surface! Also please love me!” which I believe it did when the nip pic was nestled in the middle. Now, it says “Probably does anal.”

And if we’re being honest, I don’t know what my play is from here. I have a few options.

1. Turn off the Smart Photo feature and arrange my photos in a way that I think makes the most sense. This allows me to have control of the message I’m sending to guys through my photos, but it’s also a flagrant disregard for the system, and potentially stops me from matching with the LOML because I thought I looked cute in my “Khloe’s my favorite” tee, but he hates the Kardashians (kidding. The love of my life could never hate Khloe). I could be dramatically reducing the number of right swipes I get, because I don’t actually know best.

2. I could take the nipple picture off Tinder. I got plenty of right swipes before I put the photo up, and frankly, I shouldn’t be relying on my tits to get male attention. You can’t even see my face in that photo for fuck’s sake. However, the tits are a part of the whole package here — they’re not a lie — and it doesn’t make sense to completely bench your best hitter for the entire game either.

3. I could leave everything as is, let the right swipes roll in, get the dates, and somehow convince them through my personality that I’m actually someone worth getting to know — which has historically worked really well in rom coms (helloooooo, Pretty Woman anyone?), and I think approximately zero times in real life.

I just don’t know what to do. Until this point, I was so sure of everything, but the photo I’d selected first for myself is actually ranking in fourth overall, so it’s like everything I know about angles and Facetune was a lie. I’m lost, I’m scared, and confused. And frankly, a little bit cold.

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Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at

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