It’s no secret that America is thirsty AF. We have celebrities who pose in skimpy outfits to peak our interest on a daily basis. And every once and a while, something remarkable happens. They show us all of their goods, we go insane, and we break the internet trying to get the highest resolution picture available. Typically this is done when noted MILF Kim K decides that we just need to see her bare ass again… again.
But because feminism is running rampant, and girls are proving to be just as enslaved by their hormones as guys, unwanted dick pics are suddenly enough to have us begging for more. Or at least when those dick pics are of a celebrity we used to have posters of hanging on our walls.
Unless you have morals, you *probably* have been made aware of the “Shadow Heard ‘Round The World.” I’m talking, of course, about the penis belonging to Orlando Bloom.
People lost their fucking minds. The sexual awakening brought on by Bloom when he portrayed a rugged pirate has just dick slapped America across the face with this sudden resurfaced desire. Because man, is that pirate packing a large sword.
It brings into question, however, why every single “leaked” celeb cock shot has been a note-worthy penis. Unless I’m just forgetting a particularly forgettable dick, I can’t remember when a manhood has caused us all to go “well, at least he’s a good actor…” Nope, they’ve all made us swoon and hate our average boyfriends even more. Is a big penis conditional to being a heartthrob? Do the paparazzi have pictures of small schlongs that they’re just too nice to leak? Can we PLEASE get a picture of Zac Effron baring it all so that we have a bigger (hehe) data base? These are the questions America wants to know.
America also wants to know who has the better, bigger, more beautiful penis between caught on camera nudists Orlando Bloom and the Biebs. Luckily, Seth Rogen is here to do the dirty work for us. In a video with “Watch What Happens Live,” Rogen takes time out of his busy schedule to explain just how much of his day goes into thinking about other men’s penises.
Rogen starts off by connecting to literally all of us by saying “as soon as I hear there’s a famous penis out there, I am the first person to ravenously devour them online.” Same, Seth, same. Seth debates that maybe it’s just because he’s had too much of an eyeful of the Bieb’s bulge, but it just doesn’t do it for him anymore. He then goes on to say that he thinks Bloom’s is bigger because he is a bigger guy. Which, I don’t know, I just feel personally attacked by this.
First of all, I don’t think there’s ever such a thing as too much of Justin’s penis. I have on good authority that Justin’s member is as addicting as crack, seeing as Selena Gomez literally needed rehab to get over it.
Second of all, while I agree that Orlando is probably bigger, I feel like we need to give some credit to Bieber. At least half of the nation wasn’t convinced that Justin even had a penis, let alone one bigger than a baby carrot. That alone deserves a standing ovation. I think I’ll just need to experience both in person in order to accurately report on this issue. Bloom and Bieber, take one for the team and get over hear– I take journalism very seriously.
But in the end, I guess we can all agree that both penises are beautiful..
Image via YouTube