Sarah Beattie: Tweeting the Dark and Twisted Things Most of Us Think, But Never Say…Unless We’re Drunk

I’m not one to follow a ton of comedians on Twitter. Sure, they’re usually pretty funny and good for the occasional laugh. On the other hand, so many of those accounts clog up my Twitter feed with their insufferable, not-so-subtle liberal agenda jokes that make me feel dirty for laughing. Clicking “unfollow” is basically like reaffirming my love for America.

Recently, I decided to make an exception for @nachosarah, a.k.a Sarah Beattie. Who is she? I actually have no idea, because even my world-renowned Google creeping talent didn’t uncover much. It doesn’t matter, because she is really fucking funny. She pulls off being absurdly inappropriate in a way that even a self-respecting sorority girl can appreciate. If a guy was saying it, I might be uncomfortable. Since she has a vagina, I’ll give her a free pass. Thanks girl, for saying things that I have definitely thought, but not exactly in your Pulitzer worthy prose. Yes, I’ve always been creeped out by “heterosexual” males who are “just not that into sports” (see also: gay). No, I’ve never considered calling a blowjob a “blowfun,” but for you, @nachosarah, I will consider it. I’d like to think that this is what my Twitter would sound like if I had no morals, no shame, and lacked that crucial second grade grammar lesson on punctuation. Enjoy, but if you don’t, you probably have unrealistic expectations for the rest of your life.

Author note: I’m going to go ahead and dedicate this to the girl who turned in a picture of her with her horse for slideshow last year – you are most definitely not a current member of my sorority.


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