Early Friday morning, Atlanta police pulled the driver of a silver Ford Fusion over for erratic driving and drifting in and out of lanes. When the driver of the car rolled his window down, the cops learned it was a very wasted Jim Toth, with his wife, Reese Witherspoon, in the passenger seat.
While cops began to administer sobriety tests to Toth, who blew a BAC of .139, Reese became irate with the police officers for giving the married couple trouble. Obviously an expert on the law after having played an attorney in both Legally Blonde AND Legally Blonde 2, Reese decided to fuck with the cops in an attempt to speed the booking process along further. As anyone who’s ever been wasted on spring break knows, police officers love when you fuck with them, so they were delighted when the actress dropped my favorite arrest-contesting line, one I’ve (unsuccessfully) used myself: “DO YOU KNOW MY NAME?”
Apparently, the cop hadn’t seen either installment of the Legally Blonde franchise, or Cruel Intentions, or Water For Elephants, OR Sweet Home Alabama, because he shut Witherspoon the fuck down by responding, “I don’t need to know your name.” Apparently, if you’re not the one driving the vehicle, your name isn’t required in a DUI arrest.
Furious that the Atlanta PD was not savvy to her silver screen work, Reese threw a huge bitch fit that earned her an arrest of her own for disorderly conduct. Total rookie move. Everyone knows disorderly conduct is a bullshit charge unless it’s coupled with obstruction of an officer. Moving on.
Reese and her hubby spent the rest of their wild and crazy date night in an Atlanta jail until they were released after a short period of time. Reese has released a public apology, but I really can’t focus on that because there are so many other issues to address:
1. Why was her husband driving a Ford Fusion? A multi-millionaire’s husband shouldn’t be getting a DUI in the same car a first-year Kindergarten teacher would drive.
2. Who the fuck gets DUIs these days besides Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan? Reese has 3 kids, an ex-husband, and a psuedo-career. She should know by now to arrange for a car service.
3. Why was she in Atlanta? I don’t think she’s currently filming a movie there and unless her husband is hanging out with Ludacris, I can’t fathom why the two were racing down the Georgia highway like some idiots from a country song.
4. Is there a valid reason for her being brunette again?
No reports have been made regarding the disciplinary action to be taken on Witherspoon or Toth, but judging by her mugshot, Reese sobered the fuck up by the time she got to the station and channeled her “regret” face for long enough to take the picture. I’ve seen her in a lot of unflattering pictures, because the paparazzi followed her most recent pregnancy closely, but this one is by far the worst yet.
Image via Associated Press