While there are wonderful, wonderful things about being in a sorority, there is one downfall: being a sober sister. Blah blah, they’re necessary, blah blah, safety, blah blah reputation. Whatever. I’ve never gotten on board with being a sober sister. If you’re anything like me, two days before a date dash when your social chair emails the chapter in a panic asking for volunteers, you come up with some ways to starkly avoid the task. Before someone eventually steps up to the plate, you spend some time carefully mapping out the reasons why you’d be an awful sober sister anyway. If you haven’t, you can borrow mine.
1. I will absolutely not report anything I see. Well, unless it’s that one senior no one likes, then I’ll tell. So you got a little frisky with your date at the venue in front of 100 of our members…and their dates…and their friends visiting from home. The point is, I don’t care. You go, girl! He could be my sister’s potential husband, so why should I disrupt their love?
2. I will encourage more drinking. Sober sisters are supposed to look out for anyone who is a little too intoxicated; I, on the other hand, encourage binge drinking. Sometimes it’s just one of those nights and you’ve got to drink it out. You snuck in a water bottle full of vodka? Hey, if you got away with it for this long, go ahead and finish it off.
3. Standards. I’m not talking about the expectations we have for men. I’m talking about the evil group of people who punish you for just having a little fun (okay, maybe waaaay too much fun). I have attended many Standards meetings–why would I want to put a sister through that?
4. I already have a date. LOL, probably not, but I can find one if I need one. The best excuse to not be a sober sister? I have a guy I reeeaaallly like and I want to bring him! (Read: I have a guy who I hooked up with once and would like to again if he even agrees to be my date.) If having a date means not being sober sister, I will take a rando in a second–or just hit up any old hookup. I’m sure one of them would love to go.
5. Will I really be sober as a sober sister? The answer is no. Definitely not. You may believe in being sober, but I sure don’t. Besides, four shots counts as being sober if you act classy enough.
Really I’m just trying to help out my chapter. I think choosing some other sober
sucker sister would be the wisest choice for us all.