There’s something about the new year that depresses me. Maybe it’s the colder weather, the shorter days, or the fact that after having been drunk since Thanksgiving, my jeans no longer fit. Maybe it’s a little bit of all three — plus a little bit of, like, a million and one other things. Quite honestly, there are a lot of reasons to be sad this time of year: you’re poor, you’re being judged by your parents for your alcohol consumption, you don’t have anyone to kiss on New Year’s Eve, your little is going abroad next semester, and to add insult to injury, you now have to come up with a list of things you love that you’re going to give up come January 1. Like I said, the new year is the fucking worst.
So, to make it just a little bit better, I’ve come up with a list of attainable resolutions for the upcoming year. While I can’t lose weight for you or make your mother leave you the eff alone, I can make it not so awkward when Aunt Clara leers across the dining room table — drunk off of one glass of chard — and says, “So. How are YOU going to better yourself this year?” Because let’s be real, telling her your actual goal of getting knocked up by an oil tycoon isn’t going to cut it.
Exercise Every Day
Invest in a solid pair of Spanx and a tanning membership. It’s practically the same thing.
Instead of having 12 shots at the pregame, have six — but make them doubles. You’ll still consume the same amount of alcohol, but everyone around you will be all like, “Holy shit. That girl is SO composed! She just declined a shot because she’s trying to be responsible.” LOL. Joke’s on them. You’re still a damn mess.
Stop Eating Your Weight In Ice Cream
Switch to fro-yo. It has zero calories…or something.
Be Better About Drunk Texting
I mean, let’s get real. You’re going to drunk text no matter what. You’ve installed the apps, had your friends try to take your phone past a certain number of drinks, and have even left your phone at home a time or two. It still didn’t work. Nothing is going to stop you. So, since we know you are going to do this until the day you die/get married, we might as well be a little more forgiving. Instead of giving up drunk texting completely, just make sure your drunk ass deletes any and all evidence before you pass out. If you wake up to a phone that doesn’t include, “heyyyy wuit er yuooo doingfdd?” in the outgoing messages, you’re golden. Besides, if you don’t remember it, it didn’t happen.
Do Well In Class
This one hinges on how loose your morals are. But, uh, sit next to the smartest person in class and let your corrupt spirit guide you the rest of the way.
Stop Being The Girl Who Gets Drunk And Cries
Don’t get me wrong, you can still get drunk and cry — you just can’t be the only one who does it. Next time you feel the waterworks coming on, turn to your most wasted friend and say one of the following. She’ll be crying right next to you in no time.
1. I really thought you and (her ex-boyfriend’s name) were going to get married one day.
2. Your childhood dog was so cute. I bet she got you through some tough shit. Do you miss her? How did she die?
3. Do you think your dad is, like, actually proud of you? Didn’t you fail bio last semester because you were too hungover to go to the final?.