I have always believed there to be three reasons that men say women are crazy. The first, of course, being that they are actually crazy. Of the three possible reasons, this is, by leaps and bounds, the least likely. How many people have you known in your life who are actually crazy? I can name, like, two, and I was in a sorority. How many men say their wives, girlfriends, and hookups are crazy? Approximately all of them. Statistically, the ratio of men who call their girlfriends crazy to men who actually have crazy girlfriends is about 1,478:1. Science.
The second, and most prominent reason a guy will call a girl crazy, is because he is stupid. This is almost always the case. They are simply unable to recognize that the inner workings of a woman’s mind are different from the inner workings of a man’s, so instead of trying to accept this fact and understand the situation from her perspective, they brush it off as insanity. She thinks something that doesn’t immediately make sense to me at face value, therefore, she is crazy. It’s a much simpler solution than actually trying to think or take responsibility for something. Of course, our thoughts and behaviors in most situations that men describe as crazy, are not actually crazy, as they are generally congruent with the thoughts and behaviors of every other mentally sound woman we know. So, if most women think and behave in a certain way, the thoughts and behaviors are normal for women. If the thoughts and behaviors are normal, then they are not crazy, you see? Stupid people can’t make that connection. Men can’t make that connection, so by the transitive property, men are stupid people.
The final, and undoubtedly most fucked up reason a guy will toss a c-word in your direction, is that he’s actually done some shady shit, and he’s trying to throw you off his scent. He’s not responding to text messages, he’s not spending as much time with you as he normally does, you’ve picked up on some behavior that’s uncharacteristic of him, whatever, and you’re on edge. Being driven by emotion on a constant quest for truth, you call him out for his behavior, which is, for all intents and purposes, not all that weird. You have no concrete evidence that he’s done something wrong, but you just can’t ignore the subtleties that seem to be staring you in the face. You have to inquire further. You’re already feeling paranoid, and you know you could be overanalyzing the situation, but there’s that nagging feeling that tells you you aren’t. Unfortunately, you’ve analyzed yourself into a vulnerable place, so when he tells you you’re “acting crazy,” you reluctantly accept his diagnosis. But you shouldn’t. An innocent man will at least semi-understand where you’re coming from. He’ll resolve to make a change, if for no other reason than not to have to deal with the ridiculously dramatic way you’ve responded ever again. A guilty one, however, will try to do whatever he can to divert your attention. Instead of accepting blame, he misplaces it onto you. You think I’m being sketchy, because something is wrong with YOU. You’re too paranoid, you care too much, you’re crazy. Girls can’t handle it. If he’s successfully convinced you you’re the crazy one, you won’t push the issue, so it becomes his go-to move, and it’s dangerous.
To further illustrate this point, a story:
This morning, I was woken at 6:00am by a phone call. It was 7:00am on the east coast, so it was toootally not inconvenient and unreasonable for someone to be calling me at an hour I haven’t seen since an all-nighter during college. In my half-sleep haze, I assumed it was my mother, because she is usually the one to consistently call me at inconvenient times, like when I’m sleeping, or at work, but when I finally moved to silence the God-awful sound that was my phone pulling me from my slumber, I realized it was Nicole, my best friend since the seventh grade, and soul sister (see also: “Why are we the same person?”).
Since we share not only a sense of fashion, but also an attraction to rich guys, a love of attention, a fear of commitment, and a propensity to oversleep, I knew it had to be big, so I groggily answered the phone, confused. She was calling about her on-again, off-again boyfriend of five years, whom we’ll call Dick, because he is quite a dick.
Between the months of February and June, Nicole and Dick had been more “off” than “on.” It was business as usual, except for the first time they’d agreed to keep contact to a minimum, and see other people. Come summer, they’d reevaluate things and hopefully find themselves able to enter a new relationship with each other as adults. In their time apart, Dick had been casually seeing a girl we’ll call Jenny, whom he assured Nicole he was using as a distraction from her. In June, he ended things. They spent the night together, and decided to take things slowly. They weren’t really to the point of making trips to see each other, but they’d talk more regularly, exchange their usual “I love yous,” and indulge in the occasional sexy text.
But Nicole couldn’t help but notice some weird behavior from Dick, and being my soul sister, always called him out on it.
- He was still in Jenny’s profile picture. Nicole asked if Jenny was still under the impression they were dating, to which Dick replied, “You always read into things way too deeply. Are you really going to freak out over a profile picture? That’s crazy. I told you she and I are still friends.”
- He kept his shirt on when they slept together. Nicole asked if he was hiding something, like a hickey or other evidence that there was another girl in his life, to which Dick replied, “You’re being paranoid for no reason. How crazy do you have to be to immediately assume I’m hiding something, because I kept my shirt on? I just didn’t think to take it off. Who even notices that?”
- He didn’t unblock her on Facebook. Nicole asked if that was so Jenny couldn’t read through their messages, to which Dick replied, “Of course not. It’s really crazy how much you read into social media, you know that? I just forgot about it.”
- They stayed together in a hotel. Nicole asked why they couldn’t stay at his apartment, he still lived there, didn’t he? To which Dick replied, “Do you think I honestly could have moved without telling you? That’s insane! I just wanted to stay at the hotel, because it was closer to the train and there’s always traffic. We only had one night together, and I didn’t want to waste it in transit.”
Nicole, of course, exhibited other “psychoses,” mainly regarding a fear that Dick had secretly still been seeing Jenny. Dick always told her she was “crazy” to think those things, and Nicole accepted it, because she did feel like she might be paranoid.
Cut to this morning and the phone call I got at that ungodly hour.
“Hello?” I said, wishing still to be asleep.
“Jenny just called me. From Dick’s phone. She just called me.”
THAT woke me the fuck up. “What happened? What did she say?”
“She asked who it was, so I told her my name and asked who I was talking to. She didn’t give me a name, just said ‘Dick’s GIRLFRIEND.’” Yikes. Power move. “I was in shock, and told her I thought they’d broken up. I told her when I last saw him, and she freaked out and hung up on me. He never broke up with her. I am literally freaking out right now. A minute later, Dick called me, and I could hear her screaming in the background. He told me we can’t talk any more, because he loves Jenny and wants to be with her.”
After about an hour on the phone, Nicole and I decided (because it was a group decision, obviously) that she absolutely could not trust anything that Dick said. He’d have an excuse for everything. If she wanted to get the truth, she’d have to go make nice with the enemy, Jenny. She sent her a Facebook message, which immediately led to a phone conversation during which she learned the following:
- Jenny has cancer. She is dying. This made us feel slightly guilty about all those times we called her a fat, ugly whore. It especially made us feel like shit for making fun of her hair.
- Dick has moved in with Jenny and her family to help deal with her illness…which explains why they stayed in a hotel.
- Dick has gotten a tattoo over his heart of Jenny’s first initial — assumedly as a token to remember her by when she dies…which explains why he kept his shirt on.
- Dick and Jenny are engaged to be married, because Dick is apparently a fan of Nicholas Sparks novels, particularly A Walk To Remember…which I suppose explains why he was still in her profile picture.
You heard it here first, folks. My best friend had been dating this guy for five years, and he was somehow able to find some other girl, move in with her family, propose to her, and HIDE IT from Nicole under the guise that her suspicions were “crazy.” Girls care too much about that word, and back down from their intuition the second it’s thrown their way. Here’s a hint: guys aren’t going to understand girl brain no matter what you do or say, so you might as well trust your instincts. Like I always say, if you think something is up, it usually is.
The silver lining? She wasn’t crazy.