There are some days, I wake up, and after approximately two hours of doing my hair and makeup to ensure I look nothing like myself, I think I look pretty good. Then I remember that girls like real-life Barbie Valeria Lukyanova exist, and I think, Dammit. I could be blonder. Thinner. I could have bigger boobs. I could get more plastic surgery. I could be wearing more makeup. I NEED TO CAKE ON MORE MAKEUP.
If an alien and a total betty had a child, it would definitely look like this smokeshow. Babe alert.
As you all know, if a girl says anything negative about another girl, she is jealous and bitter. You’re none of those things, so I know you’re under the impression that it takes an extremely dedicated, confident, and mentally sound person to undergo a physical transformation such as the one Valeria underwent. Are you sitting down? You should sit down, because what I’m about to say is going to shock you. GQ’s editor in chief Michael Idov sat down with Lukyanova and her beta betch Olga Oleynik, and as it turns out, they are actually a little bit wonky.
Let us count the ways.
1. Valeria makes decisions based on things that “come to her in her dreams.”
Most recently, her new self-appointed name, Amatue is something she dreamed, and so now it is. She also makes her fashion decisions based on her dreams. She’s sporting an intricate pointillist nail design that she dreamed up. I usually dream about things like roller skating around parking garages in which I’m being chased by demons, so let’s all just be happy that, while odd, Valeria’s dreams are on the tame side. Except for the one she presumably had that told her to change everything natural about herself so that she could look like Barbie.
2. Valeria is repulsed by children.
I know that there are some girls who don’t like kids. In the 1600s, people called them “witches.” I still do. When asked if they would ever have children, Valeria and Olga had some words.
“It’s unacceptable to me. The very idea of having children brings out this deep revulsion in men.” -Valeria
“It’s so boring, I’d rather die.” -Olga
“I’d rather die from torture, because the worst thing in the world is to have a family lifestyle.” -Valeria
“I’m against feminism, but what would you keep the children for? So they can get you a glass of water when you’re on your deathbed?” -Valeria
Umm. No. You have them so they can get you a glass of water your whole life. And so they can do the chores you hate, like dusting, or laundry, all under the guise of “teaching them discipline.” They also serve as a reminder of how beautiful you were in your youth once you turn 50. It’s genius, really.
3. Valeria is racist.
I have no tolerance for intolerance. Racism really makes me cringe. With that said, everyone knows that mixed babies are the cutest children, and turn into the most beautiful adults. The hippie in me (very deep in me…wearing a flower headband and high-waisted jorts, because she’s a fake hippie) thinks that it’s a sign that we’re all supposed to mix and mix and mix until we have one beautiful, melting pot race. My girl Valeria feels differently. She thinks the idea of beauty has come about “because of race-mixing.” She continues on.
Remember how many beautiful women there were in the 1950s and 1960s, without any surgery? And now, thanks to degeneration, we have this. I love the Nordic image myself. I have white skin; I am a Nordic type—perhaps a little Eastern Baltic, but closer to Nordic.
I don’t know how you can say “Remember,” the ‘50s and ‘60s, considering you weren’t around yet. You have access to images of famous people who are all beautiful. Someone looking back on today will say the same thing. Nonetheless, there were beautiful women during that time. There are also beautiful women today –beautiful mixed women (Hi Alexis Bledel, Kristen Kreuk, and Stacey Dash!).
Whatever, Barbie. Ken is gay.