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This Hilarious, Real Life Account Of A Threesome Will Make You Want To Stand Up And Give A Slow Clap

Real Threesome Story

“You ready?” He asked, from right outside the bedroom door.

I chugged the last of my wine and turned to look my oldest friend hesitantly in the eye. To my relief, she had the same nervous, excited, “What the fuck are we doing?” expression on her face. Thank God. I choked out a tentative “ye-esss,” took a deep breath, and leaned forward to plant a kiss on her awaiting mouth. I heard the door open, and we both glanced over as he walked through the door.

Yeah. I was about to have a threesome. What a cliché.

“How oh how did this happen to a normal (average slut level) college girl?” you may ask. It’s honestly that same story you’ve heard a million times. Girl gets dumped by boyfriend. Girl develops a love of tequila and making out with randoms at bars. Girl finds cute boy she likes and they start talking. Boy asks girl her “fantasies.” Girl jokes about a threesome. Boy thinks girl is serious. Girl is fucked. Literally. See? Classic college threesome story.

Threesome Tip 1: Don’t Ever Joke About Having A Threesome
They won’t think it’s a joke.

So, here I was — a standard girl, much like yourself, with a limited sexual knowledge, wearing one of my nicer “seven for $26” pairs of boy short panties from Victoria’s Secret. The only difference was that I was sitting on a stuffed animal-covered bed with my naked best friend, while my crush walked in the door to have sex with both of us. At the same time. Together.

We watched as he slowly lowered his boxers to reveal the impressive-sized penis that I had grown quite fond of. I mean, this penis was boyfriend material. Sure, I’d grown to like the man behind the boner, but if I’m being perfectly honest, I was doing this whole ménage à trois for the penis. The same penis that was hanging out, making eye contact with my naked best friend (NBF), and my on-sale Vicki’s Secret panties. Not so surprisingly, being naked in the same room with your best friend and your best penis can actually be quite awkward. This leads me to:

Threesome Tip 2: Do Your Prep Work
I’m not stupid. I knew that having extra limbs, tongues, and holes in the bedroom could get weird. I did my research. I googled “how to have a threesome” many times before the big day. The main points I got out of my studies were to make sure everyone has a good time, shave your body hair, and clear your search history. Basics.

There we were, just three naked people about to get it on. Naturally, I decided it was my job to make the first move, since I was the idiot who started this whole thing. I perched on the bed and motioned for both of them to join me with the ever-sensual line, “Room for two more…”

I was already making this threesome my bitch.

They lowered themselves onto the bed, and I started kissing her, because he’s a guy and would be totally fine with watching. Honestly, it’s nothing that any drunken college girl hasn’t done before. It was so much easier than I thought. She’s a good kisser, and those sheets were super soft, and — oh shit, I needed to include him. Damn it. Okay. I figured a casual penis pet should do the trick. Right? Guys like that. Aren’t they always saying how much they love hand jobs? The only problem was that there was so much going on with the kissing and the stroking that I couldn’t really concentrate on either. It was more like I was slobbering in her mouth and hitting his penis with my limp hand.

Threesome Tip 3: Get Really Good At Multitasking
Honestly, if you can’t text and walk at the same time, you’re not ready to screw two people at the same time. You’re literally going to need an engineering degree to do this. Or vodka.

Since my original kiss/stroke move didn’t really work, I decided that my best bet was to initiate a blow job, because that’s what they did in the 1970s threesome porn that I watched for research. Besides, blow jobs are easy. Lots of teeth and super dry. My NBF and I trailed our bodies down to his throbbing penis and took turns licking, pulling, kissing, and sucking it. I make intense eye contact with him, with my NBF, and with the penis, because eye contact is like scented candles: essential.

Threesome Tip 4: Eye Contact
You might feel like you look possessed as you stare up at him from his penis, but I’m pretty sure guys are into that sort of “eyes rolling into the back of your head like a demon” thing.

By now, you’re probably thinking “wow, she’s really good at this whole threesome thing,” and I couldn’t agree with you more. Except that, to be honest, I was kind of stalling at this point because we’d done the kissing and the sucking, and really there was only one thing left to do.

“Let’s start fucking,” he said.

Oh. Yeah. There it was. He pulled me on top of him, and I felt that giant gift of a penis fill my entire body. It was just like every other time we’d done it, except this time, there was a naked bitch watching us. We looked at each other with panic, because, like, what the hell do you do in this situation? The whole point of a threesome is, you know, three people doing stuff. My NBF turned to kiss me. She softly cupped my breast while tugging my nipples ever so gently. Whoa — she knew what she was doing. Like, really knew — which made sense, because she’s an actual human female. I mean, girls know what other girls like.

Threesome Tip 5: Don’t Get Distracted
Seriously, if you let down your guard for one second, then something else is going to happen.

“Let’s switch things up,” he said.

Wait, what? Switch things up? Fuck. That meant…the two of them doing it. I knew this was going to happen. I mean, the whole point of a threesome is for three people to have sex with each other but…no. Could I fake an illness? Faint? Anything?

I slowly pulled myself off of the penis and did an awkward roll away from him. As much as I wanted to pout, I decided it was best to keep things light. I held up my hand to give my NBF a high-five before realizing how weird that was. Shit. I didn’t want everyone to see how stressed out I was about the fact that my man was about to put his genitals into my best friend’s genitals. I wondered if I looked uncomfortable. I started concentrating on having a “calm, sexually aroused” face.

“Are you okay with this?” he asked.

Damn it. Fuck. No?

“Yeah. Totally. For sure. I mean, yeah. Me? Psh.” Nailed it.

He pulled my NBF on top of him, and I watched her eyes roll back into her head as she felt the length of his penis throb inside of her. Ho-ly fuck. Deep breaths. Be calm. Don’t kill her. Be cool. Except I couldn’t be cool, because the moment you see your best friend having actual sex with the guy you like, things get kind of weird. Like, “I get why people commit murder” weird. I stared at her face and tried to telepathically send her a message: I enjoy sharing smoothies with you, not so much penises. Please stop.

Like he read my mind, he pulled me up to his mouth. I was sitting by his head, wondering what the fuck I was supposed to do. Watch her from this angle? Kiss him? Kiss her? He flicked his tongue and it suddenly dawned on me. He wanted me to sit on his face.

Sit on his face?

Maybe to some people this is normal. I’m not one of those people. I would crush him. Or choke him. Or suffocate him. When people ask how he died, the paramedics would say, “he was suffocated by a giant vagina.” OMG. How would he breath? What would I do with my hands? FUCK. I knew that I had to move quick. From the moans that were going on, this threesome was going to come to a finish soon, so I had a choice: sit on the side and watch my best friend fuck the guy I like, or sit on the face?

I sat on the face.

Threesome Tip 6: Don’t Overthink Things
Life’s too short for that. Do it or don’t do it. Whatever. Either way, people will keep going.

Then next ten minutes were filled with suffocation face-sitting, tagging her back out, turning the threesome into a twosome, and wrapping it up the old-fashioned way: with two-person premarital sex. What a ride, huh? Granted, I didn’t “technically” have sex with her, and I’m not too sure if another threesome is in the cards for me. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, and at the same time, it was a lot worse. It was pretty fun, and it was also really stressful. It made me laugh, and at times I wanted to cry, but in the end, I don’t regret a damn thing. Well, except wearing on-sale boy shorts. Should have gone with a thong.

Threesome Tip 7: Do It
Sure, the idea of a threesome seems kind of insane, but wanna know a secret? All the best things are. If it goes badly, you have a hell of a story.

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