If you haven’t been living on Mars for the past two years, you’re well aware of the scandals surrounding our favorite tampon-up-the-nose celebrity, Miss Amanda Bynes. Recently inducted into the “Child Star Gone Rogue” Hall of Fame, Bynes’ first bout with the law came in June 2012 when she was charged with her first DUI. Add in a couple cheek piercings, a few bongs thrown from 30-story buildings, numerous Pulitzer prize-worthy tweets, some unsuccessful stints in rehab, and an intentionally set fire in an elderly woman’s driveway, and here we are.
This past Sunday, Amanda was arrested again after stopping her car in the middle of a busy intersection in the Van Nuys neighborhood of Los Angeles, according to Fox News. Appearing disheveled, the California Highway Patrol determined she was, in fact, driving under the influence, so they immediately took her into custody. Her bail was set at $15,000.
Imagine you had a bad Saturday night. Maybe you had one too many vodka Red Bulls, maybe you smacked a bitch, and maybe you were so hungry afterward, you tried to steal the entire cracker aisle at a nearby 7-Eleven. Bottom line, you landed yourself in jail. Now imagine a cellmate being thrown your way at 4 a.m. that morning. You soon realize that cellmate is none other than Amanda Bynes herself. After acting like an awkward, starstruck mute for no less than one hour, I’ve concluded that, if this situation somehow became my reality, these are the questions I would ask her:
- Were you ever drunk or high while filming any shows for Nickelodeon?
- Were you the secret fourth member of the Hilary Duff-Lindsay Lohan-Aaron Carter relationship?
- What does Channing Tatum taste like?
- Do you really believe you created the terms “ILY” and “LOL”?
- Did Drake ever secretly contact you about murdering your vagina and you just didn’t tell anyone about it?
- What does “murdering a vagina” entail, exactly?
- Is Colin Firth really a sexy, older guy in person?
- Why pierce your cheeks of all things?
- Do you ever just randomly scream out, “MAH-HAH!” like Courtney from “The Amanda Show”?
- Can we go wig shopping together for your next court appearance?
- Would you like Drake if he actually was a paraplegic?
- Marry, Fuck, Kill: Keenan, Kel, A Dancing Lobster.
- When are you coming back to Twitter?
- Do you think I’m ugly?
RIP preteen Mandy. You’ll always remain Amber from “The Girls’ Room” in our hearts.