Chances are this week is the worst week of the entire semester at your university. It’s a week worse than the one when you were PMSing so hard that you skipped all classes to lay on the floor with excruciating cramps. A week worse than the week Chipotle shut down because of a potential salmonella outbreak. A week worse than even that one week that you contracted strep throat from the guy who had become your ex three days prior. The week I’m talking about is finals week.
You know that one fuckboy who drags you through the “talking” phase for like almost five months, kind of hinting you might have a successful future only to fuck over your entire life in a four-day span by dumping you, hooking up with your “best friend,” and attempting to kill your dog? Well that entire four and a half month “talking phase” is the rest of the semester and the week of hell is finals week. So let’s take a moment to take a brain break from whatever you are studying for and collectively bitch and moan about things only relevant during finals week.
“What’s the lowest final exam grade I can get to still pass the class?”
I personally find it so fucking annoying that you can spend an entire semester (kind of) working your ass off and then have all of your grades come down to ONE stupid test that’s worth like 67.2% of your final grade. That’s bullshit. At the start of every semester everyone starts out all pumped because they think they are going to get all A’s. (Keep in mind on the first day of school you haven’t yet slept through the second exam because you got too drunk at a date party the night before.) Now, chances are A’s are no longer a realistic goal. So you do what every college student does: calculate the lowest possible grade you can get on your final exam to pass the class. It seems like I constantly hear everyone complain, “I’m sooo pissed because I need a 101.7% on my final to pass the class!” Sorry, Sally. Guess that 4.0 GPA you tweeted about getting on the first day of the semester isn’t gonna be a thing.
“Hey, do you know anyone I can buy addy from?”
Let me first say, I’m not condoning illegal drug use, whatsoever, when I write this. Smoke all the weed you want in Colorado or whatever, but like we learned in the 5th grade D.A.R.E. program, drugs are bad. I don’t know if you’ve ever taken it but I feel like taking addy is like hooking up with that one super douchy yet hot AF SAE guy; bad idea, but at some point or another everyone has done it. That being said, Adderall is the worst and best thing ever. If I’m driving on addy, and the person in front of me is going two miles per hour over the speed limit, but I want them to drive five miles per hour over the speed limit, I immediately feel prepared to key their car, rear end them, and dump my Starbucks skinny cappuccino on the driver’s head, simultaneously. Yes, it makes me want to study like a maniac, google every word from the textbook that I don’t know, then randomly research the autobiography of Beyoncé’s grandma’s sister’s cousin’s hair stylist, but it literally makes people act like a crack addicts. So take that as you will.
“Yes, Mom, I’ve been studying for my finals for weeks!”
Message decoded: “This past weekend, I was involved in a low key bar fight, blacked out both Friday AND Saturday night, drank my weight in Long Island Iced Teas, got matching ass tats with my big, stuffed my face with pizza and wine, and I’m honestly unsure at this point if I ever bought the textbook. So I’m kinda fucked for finals.”
“Do you think if I offered to give my Professor a blowjob…”
Please. Do. Not. That’s all I’m going to say about this one.
Okay, that’s enough bitching and moaning for right now. Get off Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter and open your damn textbook. You’re going to do great on your finals. Well, maybe not. But what do I care. I don’t know you..