Private Instagram Accounts Are Ruining My Life

Private Instagram Accounts Are Ruining My Life

“Crazy” and “stalker” are two adjectives that go in hand. The terms are borderline interchangeable and also describe, *drum roll please…* me. And you. And all of us. It has been a long, hard fought battle to try to get men to stop calling us women “crazy” and “stalkers” and as time has progresses, although the methods and practices to being a crazy stalker have changed, the outcome is still the same. We are all crazy stalkers at heart. And nothing infuriates a crazy stalker more than a private Instagram account.

A private Instagram account makes me irate. It raises my blood pressure, I get dizzy spells, sometimes I even end up dry heaving. But c’mon guys, it’s 2017 and if you have a private Instagram account, I have two words for you: grow up. I get it, you want to make sure that murderers aren’t going to be waiting in the backseat of your car at night ready to stab you to death and they certainly will do so if you have a public Instagram account, but let’s look at the more important picture here. I’m talking to a new guy, and every single girl who’s liked a photo of my boyfriend-who-doesn’t-know-he’s-my-boyfriend has a private fucking Instagram account. How would you feel if all the bitches liking your boyfriend’s pictures had a private Instagram account? You wouldn’t. So stop being selfish and make your profile public. It’s that simple.

Crazy stalkers watch to see who is liking and commenting on their man’s photos at all times. They might even have push notifications when said new boo posts a new tweet. If you, as a woman, have the balls, which you aren’t even supposed to have, to like my guy’s pictures, you better have the balls to let me hate stalk you and make sure you know your place in this world: alone, in the corner of a bar, with Birkenstocks on and a highlighter so caked onto your face that I think you actually put it on with a sharpie highlighter.

It’s a double edged sword, guys. I can’t see what you’re up to, and even worse, I can’t see if my boyfriend (who again, is not really my boyfriend) is liking your pictures. I need to know if this guy is trustworthy. If he is loyal. If I can in fact show him my face without makeup on. Isn’t that a part of girl code? Looking out for your main bitches so they don’t get hurt? A private Instagram account is a direct violation to girl code. You don’t really want to be that girl, do you? That girl who has no girlfriends because no one can trust her. That girl who in fact does not chose chicks before dicks (even though good friends always allow you to choose dicks). I didn’t think so, honey. And I know you didn’t mean to be defiant and unreliable, but I’m here to help lead you to the straight and narrow.

It starts in your settings. It’s one push notification from green to gray. And then you’re set. You are no longer an outcast. You will be trusted and loved and maybe even get more likes. But you can also bet your ass my boyfriend will be unfollowing you if I see him liking your pictures.

Image via Shutterstock

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