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Poor Maxwell Drew

In case you’ve been hiding in the library studying for finals and didn’t already know, Jessica Simpson lost 9 lbs and 13 oz in ONE DAY today! Well, technically, she gave birth, and her child was that size, but I’m trying to put a positive spin on the situation.

Why is this a negative time in Hollywood? Simpson gave birth to a GIRL and named her Maxwell Drew Johnson. I’m not even ready for the amount of therapy this child is going to need by her fourth birthday. Should we start a fund? I’m thinking yes. Everyone’s new spring philanthropy should be for the MDJ Therapy Fund, tell your philanthropy chairs.


I’m not a fan of stupid trendy names, (Apple, Blue Ivy, Rumer, Scout), but I’m even less of a fan of gender confusion. Let me narrow this down: I have plenty of sisters named Alex (as in short for Alexandra, Alexis, etc), and Sam/Sammy (Samantha). I even know a girl named Ryan and she’s actually the most adorable thing in Alabama. I don’t hate these names, generally because Ryan has a really feminine middle name, and these other names look gorgeous when they’re written out. I’m just a little concerned about this entire situation Jessica has given her “daughter.” There’s no feminine middle name alternative situation. There’s no feminine first name situation. It’s not as if she had named her Sarah Drew and she decided to call her Drew. This child is destined to be made fun of. Imagine the horror of little Maxwell walking into her first day of Kindergarten only to find that her teacher has made her a blue name card for her seat because it was assumed she was a he. It won’t stop there. Forget finding anything with her name monogrammed on it. I’m silently crying for this child. First she’s going to have to figure out what she would like to be called, and then she’s going to have an identity crisis because she feels as though she’s living a lie. This will probably happen by the time she’s three, and that’s a lot for any toddler to take in.

Also, I’m just going to come out and say it, I really hope that this child does not wind up being fat. We’ve all seen Jessica’s weight fluctuate. On the plus side, her father is a former NFL player, which means he’s athletic, so I’m hoping she got his metabolism. It would be such a waste of a pretty face for her to be fat AND have a terrible name.

If this is a sick joke, we’re not laughing, Jessica. I get it, you’re trying to get us back for laughing at you when you looked at the Chicken of the Sea can and asked “Is it chicken or tuna?” And now, you’re making us do that with your daughter “Is it a boy or a girl?” This is significantly less funny, mainly because this is someone’s life, not an albacore.

Either way, I’ve compiled a list of possible names for Maxwell to call herself. I hope her nanny reads this list to her every night before she goes to bed:

Max…Dee…Emma…well that’s about it, because this name is terrible.

Follow me on twitter: @PearlsHiltonTSM

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