Plastic Surgery…TSM?

It has come to my attention that there is a divide among sorority girls everywhere. We differ greatly with whether or not dabbling in the art of cosmetic surgery is socially acceptable.

I hate to brag (it’s just impossible not to when you’re perfect), but I’m just going to come out and say it: I have great tits. 34D, and I’ve been complimented on their perkiness. I’ve even been told “they are the nicest pair I’ve ever felt.” I didn’t hate that. Not even close. Not even a little bit. Not even at all (#90schickflicks). With a little help from good genetics and the prayers I said before bed as a kid (during which I explicitly demonstrated how big they should be: “out to here”), I basically grew them myself. They’ve been good to me. They’ve landed me almost every fratdaddy I’ve ever been involved with, they’ve bought me countless drinks, and gotten me out of multiple run-ins with authority figures. Shit, they even got me this writing gig (kidding, I obv got it because I make really good sandwiches). It seems the only thing my boobs can’t do is defy the laws of physics, whereas the ta-tas belonging to some of my silicon-induced friends can.

I’m not going to lie, a little part of me doesn’t like that I was born with this gift, and anyone with a good doctor and daddy’s credit card can come along and buy a blessing of equal value (AND they never have to wear a bra), but I’ve come to the conclusion that plastic surgery is a TSM. Let’s think about it…we can all agree that it’s imperative to look your best at all times. Right? Right. We can also all agree that beauty enhancers like make-up, hair spray, and a perfect ensemble are necessary to put our best efforts into our appearance. Right? Right. We all take certain not-exactly-natural steps to make ourselves look better than we do on our own. Examples: tanning, shaving our legs, applying unhealthy amounts of heat to our hair, occasionally remembering to put your retainer in (because you once upon a time had braces), teeth whitening, eyebrow waxing, nail painting, systematic starvation, and the list goes on. Right? Right. So really…what’s the big deal with plastic surgery? That it cost a lot of money? So fucking what? The only thing it should cost you is a “but daddy, pleaseeee” and cue the chisel to your nose. Maybe the fact that it’s invasive is your only argument, but who cares? Everyone has flaws (except me), and there’s nothing wrong with having those minor flaws corrected and being the best-looking version of yourself you can be. I guarantee you, I won’t have wrinkles until I’m 100, and after I’m done birthing legacies my tits will be back up to my chin where they belong.

Is there something to be said for natural beauty? Maybe, but I’m sort of inclined to argue that the statement “well you should have seen her before” doesn’t matter, because that’s not what she looks like now. I’m not suggesting you pull a Heidi Montag. Hello your parents are gorgeous, so you shouldn’t need too many alterations. I’m just saying, if there’s ever something you don’t like about a situation, you pay someone to fix it until you like it, and I see no reason your body should be any different. So ladies, if you’re contemplating it, I say find a good doctor and get prepared to go under the knife. Unless you’re thinking about breast reduction. That’s just selfish…way to slap God in the face.

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Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at

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