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Petty Theft

What’s a night of raging if you return without a souvenir? Every smart sorostitute knows that stealing is immoral, and illegal…not to mention pointless since daddy gives us whatever we want anyway. However, there are a few things that our money just can’t buy, like the large IM trophy sitting on your desk, or the composite picture you had to return after being caught red-handed.

Petty theft is only cute if you’re doing it right. Steal trophies, fratgear (neon hats, fanny packs, and any other obnoxious beer breakfast necessities), and anything you can deem wall décor.

So what are the do’s and don’ts of your breaking and entering?

Don’t touch the fridge. It’s super classless to steal alcohol. If he’s not feeding you shots then you shouldn’t be wasting your night there anyway.

Don’t go for his closet. A frocket tee is only valuable if it was earned with integrity…ya know, by shacking. You’re not homeless and lord knows you have enough clothing in that closet of yours. So unless you’re hooking up, leave wearing whatever you arrived in.

Do take anything hanging on his wall. Flags are a fan favorite, paddles are easy for grab ‘n’ go, and like I said trophies are always a win. Keep these things for a few days, and then be the lady that you are, and return them to their rightful owners. You wouldn’t be too happy if someone jacked your carefully decorated paddle and he won’t be thrilled if he never sees his belongings again.

Don’t touch his valuables. That’s just creepy. If you’re eyeing his watch, get help. Misdemeanors are for geeds.

Any patriotic memorabilia is fair game. Make ‘Merica proud and let his flag sleep over at your place for a while but if you’re too inebriated to properly transport an American flag don’t even try.

Don’t touch his pets. If he is weird enough to own a pet fish, be smart enough not to take it home with you.

Don’t lay a finger on his golf clubs. You want him to have a flawless golf game. Golf = business = $$. Loverboy takes his swing more seriously than he takes you, so just forget about it.

Any and all drinking accessories are an easy score because of their low monetary value and high replaceability. Keep your beer cold all semester with his presh koozie.

Most importantly, if you are caught in the act you had better pray that you’re pretty enough for him to find it funny.

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