News

Panama City Spring Breakers Might Have Stolen An Ambulance

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It’s been a long-standing joke in the TSM office that we wish we could have reserved ambulances and hospital rooms when we were in college. You know, instead of calling a cab to take you to the bars, you’d dial 911 and request a miniature, mobile hospital to come escort you and your friends around town for the night. They’d pick you up, give you a safety pep talk, and standby for the rest of the night to mend bruised knees, twisted ankles, and swollen eyes from drunken tears. After the drinking inevitably ends, you and your friends would pile back in the “bus,” as Benson and Stabler (RIP) would say, and make your way to the hospital. There, a nurse would remove your bodycon dress, place you in a comfortable robe, and hook you up to an IV to prevent a hangover. Maybe she’d even bring you a grilled cheese if you refrained from calling her a “psycho bitch” while she stabbed your arm in an effort to find a suitable vein–maybe. The grilled cheese really depends on good behavior. The point of all of this, however, is that if I had had the chance to ride around in an ambulance (on my own accord) in college, I would’ve taken it–and I would’ve loved it. And apparently I’m not alone.

According to the Bay County Sheriff’s Office in Panama City, Fla., an ambulance was stolen late Friday night and it’s rumored to have been taken by some drunk spring breakers. Because no one was sick or dying in the ambulance when it was stolen, excuse me while I let out a giant LOL and some kudos to those kids. While stealing mobile hospitals is never encouraged, it is fucking hilarious. Police reports state the ambulance was simply sitting at a substation, waiting to be restocked or refueled or re-whatevered–it doesn’t really matter. The point is that it was empty, and that someone clearly left the keys in the ignition. Rookie mistake, guys. Rookie mistake.

Honestly, who could blame these kids–other than law enforcement–for taking such a nifty piece of machinery? The keys were just sitting there! To a drunk college student, that practically says, “Take me on a joyride. You’ll probably end up on that cool college website about fraternities and sororities if you do. Those guys over there are just as fucked in the head as you are. They’ll think this is hilarious!” And we do. Or, at least, I do. Our lawyers won’t let me speak on behalf of the company for good reason.

As of right now, the case of who actually took the stolen “bus” is a mystery, but Horatio from “CSI: Miami” is on it. Seriously, guys, they’re pulling in the big guns for this. Hide yo kids, hide yo wives, and if you’re one of the guilty spring breakers, hide yo asses.

[via Alabama Local News]

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Catie Warren

From Rush To Rehab (@catie__warren) is a semi-fuctioning adult who has been celebrating her 21st birthday for the past three years. She attended college in the nation’s capital and to this day is angry that Pit Bull lied to her, as you cannot, in fact, party on The White House lawn. Prior to her success with TSM, Rehab was most famous for being featured in her hometown newspaper regarding her 5th grade Science Fair Project for which she did not place. In her spare time, she enjoys attributing famous historical quotes to Marilyn Monroe and getting in fights with thirteen year olds on twitter. Email: catie@grandex.co

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