I spend a lot of time over-analyzing texts and I think I’m pretty good at it. I know the difference between when to read into something because something’s there and when to read into something just because I’m a psycho who likes to torture myself. So I figured I’d use my powers for good.
Long story short. I met this guy, [name redacted] (31yrs old too) through a company I was a temp at. He was the son of the owners, so I would work with him for the last 2 hours of my shift. We really connected at first and had a lot in common. We started hanging out and seeing each other, it was heading in the right direction. Then one day in November I got a text from him, it was right before my best friends 25th birthday dinner too so I tried so hard not to have puffy eyes.
I’ll probably end up sending another email after this cause in December we started to be friends with benefits, and he broke it off again after a month through text.
Okay, I’m going to give it to you straight. This is pretty much bullshit. It’s pleasant bullshit, and it might even be bullshit that he believes, but it’s bullshit. The election was hard on everyone. Literally the entire country was affected, and frustrated, and angry for one reason or another. Everyone felt the tension. Everyone saw the hatred. To say that he couldn’t continue his life because he was torn up about it is a load of malarkey. And to back it up with “it’s not you, it’s me” makes it even worse.
I’m sure you’re lovely and that he thinks you’re lovely. But if he thought you were lovely enough, the election wouldn’t be enough of a reason not to be with you. Especially not at 31. Guys his age are in the marriage zone, but they’re at the age where they won’t settle for anything other than perfection, because they’ve been single this long.
Your response was appropriate. The last-ditch “I still have your sweatshirt, and I want to give it back to you, looking amazing to make you doubt yourself” came in clutch. Moving on.
Bullshit that he didn’t have his phone on him, but that’s obviously irrelevant. He wasn’t available to talk, and that’s fine. But clearly, he’s all about sugarcoating everything if he has to pretend he didn’t even read your text.
He’s got a point there, though. Don’t be sorry for someone else dumping you. That makes 0.0 sense. But again, as he even did point out, this is a cliche.
I think we know each other well enough now that I can say this — I don’t love that you put the friend branch out there. You don’t want to be his friend, and you know it. You want to keep this feeling of tragic longing alive on your part, and more importantly, on his. And probably a little bit, you want him to change his mind and fall back in love with you. I get it. We’ve all been there. And sometimes it feels like it’s easier to wean yourself off of someone than it is to just let it die, but you’ve got to be at least honest with yourself with your intentions if you’re not honest with him.
I’ve been a little harsh here. I do think this guy has some demons. But I think that a guy with demons who liked you enough or thought you could fulfill the type of relationship he was looking for would have presented them to you, honestly and fully, and asked if they were something you could accept.
“I don’t want to ruin our friendship” is the biggest bullshit reason not to be with someone. He already “ruined your friendship” when he put his penis inside of you. You aren’t friends, because you don’t have sex with your friends. You were always something more, so saying he wants to maintain that to fall back on is just not true. All those feelings he wants to avoid so no one gets hurt? Those are already there. On both of your ends. And they obviously continue to be there because he continued to hook up with you after all this went down.
The subtext of these texts is pretty clear. He’s putting the ball in your court and is cool with whatever level of relationship you’ll give him — friends with bennies, just friends — but if that starts progressing, he’s gonna put a stop to it, as he’s done twice now, because he knows, unwaveringly, that even if he likes you, he doesn’t want a relationship with you.
The difference between guys and girls in these situations is this: guys follow their brains and girls follow their hearts. So you think, that if he ends up liking you enough — if you can change his heart, he will change his mind, because that’s what you would do. But he won’t. Guys always remember the logical reasons they’re making decisions on their love lives, and that is what they’ll follow.
Don’t get me wrong — do your thing with him. If you can be comfortable casually seeing him or actually being friends, please do so. Because casual can be amazing. Just be honest with yourself and realize that with a lot of fluff added, he told you exactly what he wants, and it’s not a relationship..
If you want to break down some texts together, for immediate advice, or to see if I got it right, send me an email with a brief summary of the situation, and your screenshots. I’ll go in hard: firstname.lastname@example.org (not .com)