Obviously we’re all perfect ladies, and would never have unprotected sex with some guy who “swears he’s clean.” However, in the off chance you ingested one too many Alabama Slammers and woke up next to a gentleman with no evidence of protection in sight or memory, you will likely have the freakout that every girl has the first time this happens: “OMG I HAVE AIDS AND I AM GOING TO GET SORES ON MY FACE LIKE TOM HANKS IN PHILADELPHIA AND MY LIFE IS OVER!”
Although your chances of contracting HIV from the affluent college men you are prone to having unprotected sex with are slim, there is nothing that will completely eliminate your fears, save a negative test. The problem with that is that you have to actually admit to some health care provider that you would like to be tested for HIV, which is almost as horrifying as the prospect that you might have it.
Enter Oraquick, the in-home HIV test which can be discretely ordered over the internet and shipped to your door. The catch is that you have to wait three months after your “risk event” to take the test, but I think that’s well worth it. Once it arrives, all you have to do is swab your upper and lower gums and place the swab in the supplied test tube and solution, and wait 20 minutes. I recommend a drink or three during this time. Then, wait another 20 minutes for the test stick to show your results. Again, I recommend a drink or three. Reading the results is just like reading a pregnancy test: one line, you’re in the clear, two lines, your life is over.