Oh! The Places We’ll Throw!

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Today is our day.
We’re off to grad places!
We’re off and away!

We have curls in our hair.
We have feet in our heels.
We can choose a career,
Whichever we feel.
We’re on our own. And we’ll throw what we know.
And WE are the gals who’ll decide where to go.

We’ll look over new jobs. Look ‘em over with care.
About most we will say, “I don’t choose to work there.”
With our hair full of curls and heels full of feet,
We’re too pretty to settle for just any company.

And we may not find any
We’ll want to accept
In that case, of course,
Our ‘rents will pay our debt.

It’s lonelier there,
At home in dad’s chair.

But it won’t last much longer.
With the family,
Being as curly,
And heelsy as we.

And when things are slow to start,
Don’t worry. Don’t stew.
We’ll plan a little
Road trip to see you!


We’ll visit all the bars!
We’ll be drinking great drinks!
We’ll be back to the old us
In just a few blinks.

You won’t be without, because we’ll be there, too.
We’ll nearly pass out and we’ll need our drunk food.
But where we go, we’re still the best of the best.
When we go out, we still top all the rest.

Except when we don’t,
Because, sometimes, we’re broke.

I’m sorry not sorry,
But you know it’s true.
Daddy’s card
Might just reject you.

You can get all sad face
Or climb onto the bar.
While your friends will move on,
You’ll be taken in a cop car.

You’ll come out of the car
With an unpleasant fine.
The least you will have
Is a little jail time.

And when you’re locked up,
You’re not in for much fun.
Calling up daddy
Is not easily done.

You’ll end up in a place where the peeps are not Greek.
Some of them are fratty. But mostly they’re geeds.
A place with more options you definitely need.
Do you dare to stay single? Do you dare to make friends?
How does it start? And how does it all end?

And IF you do date, should you choose him or him…
Or maybe stay single? Or, maybe, no him?
Or sleep around and leave love behind?
Decisions are hard, I’m afraid you will find,
For a guy-picker-upper to make up her mind.

You can get so lonely
That you’ll start to read
About single white men just down the street.
Search down the classifieds for a single Greek
Headed, I fear, to a dangerous place.
The Settling Place…

…for people just settling.
Settling for a boy to date,
Or a ring to come, or a job to go,
Or wedding to come, or children to grow,
Or a tweet to tweet, or a phone to ring,
Or settling to trade a yes for a no,
Or settling for a smaller glass of Merlot.
Everyone is just settling.

Settling for who won’t commit,
Or settling for a new plan of benefits,
Or settling for Friday night in,
Or settling, perhaps, for friending the cat,
Or a new diet plan, or just getting fat,
Or another dress, or another suit,
Or a pair of flats, or even more equestrian boots,
Everyone is just settling.

That’s not for you!

Somehow you’ll evade
All that settling nonsense.
You’ll find the big time.
You’ll be in the lime light.

With heels clip-clopping,
Once more you’ll walk tall!
Ready to be the best of alumni.
Ready because your ego’s sky high!

Oh, the places you’ll throw! There are shots to be done!
There are cups to be sunk. There is pong to be won.
And the enchanted things you can do with pong balls
Will make you the strattiest sratter of all.
Chug! The fucks you give will go back to zero,
And once again you will be campus hero.

Except when you can’t.
Because now you’re an aunt.

I’m afraid that it’s true.
You’ll be knitting blankets blue.
‘Cause now your sister
Beat you to pregnancy, too.

And worse!
Whether you like it or not,
Facebook will be something
You’ll hate quite a lot.

And when you can’t even, there’s a very good chance
You’ll meet some kids from home trying to get in your pants.
There are some, maybe you’ll meet because of tinder,
But even Photoshop a terrible face can’t hinder.

But on you will throw,
Though the beer be warm.
On you will throw,
Though sisters will scorn.
On you will throw,
Though arms may be worn.
Throwing hands up,
No matter the day,
Though your age may be old,
In your pose you will stay.

On and on—you won’t stop.
And I know you can’t stop.
And face up to reality,
Whatever it be.

You’ll get more boring, of course,
You will someday learn.
You’ll get more boring,
And for your sisters you’ll yearn.
So be sure to call us.
Call when you need a friend,
And remember that we’re
Here for you till the end.
Just never forget all those times spent together.
You’re one of the ones that’s made our lives better.

Yes, we’ll all succeed!
How can’t you agree?
(It’s about 50 percent guaranteed.)


Be your name Mandy or Mary or May,
Or Isabelle, Allie, Lynn, Carrie, or Kate,
We’re off to grad places!
Today is our day!
Our fame awaits us,
So….let’s be on our way!

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premed donna

Who said you can't be smart and funny? When I'm not writing for TSM, you can find me studying into oblivion, downing a bottle of chardonnay, and/or sobbing for reasons I have yet to understand. All hate fan mail can be sent to

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