Recently I’ve found that the list of things that people do that annoy me is dangerously close to exceeding the limits of my medication. I suppose it’s because of this that I hide behind sarcasm; because apparently just telling people to fuck off is considered rude in most social situations. Creeping towards the top of my list, is the way that sorority girls typically take pictures. To be fair, I’m not a fan of excessive photo ops to begin with. Whatever happened to just remembering things? Besides vodka, I mean. I really think we can reverse this trend, ladies. Maybe it’s just the lack of sleep and study aids talking, but I’m feeling optimistic about 2014. Let’s try to eliminate the following:
1. The Squat
Have you ever noticed that when girls take a picture, gravity suddenly becomes much stronger? What, did you not get around to doing enough squats last time you were at the gym, so you’re just going to compensate in the middle of the bar? The only appropriate time to squat in a photo is when your mom is trying to take an awkward picture of you with all of your cousins, and you have to duck so your go-to family reunion bun doesn’t block the poor kid behind you. Unless you are over six foot and are being photographed with a small child, refrain from awkwardly sticking out your ass for no given reason. I get it, this pose somehow magically makes you look better. The problem is, that’s not what you actually look like. It’s just false advertising, ladies. At this point, I don’t even care that I look like I am eight feet tall for being the only girl who stands up straight in pictures anymore. You all will be sorry when you look like the fucking humpback of Notre Dame and I look like a goddamn pageant queen. Have fun shotgunning a cold one when you can’t lift your head above your shoulders, assholes.
2. Duck Lips
I think we all thought this trend would die along with 2012, but no, it’s still lives. I will admit that I become increasingly guilty of this one the more I drink. There’s something incredibly effortless about sticking out your lips like a toddler when you’ve too many shots to actually feel your face. So go ahead and ignore my hypocritical mockery, if you will, but the duck lips need to stop. Whenever I call girls out like a total douche for doing the duck lips, they always tell me that they’re actually just “pouting.” As if that’s so much better. There’s a fine line between pouting and duck lips; if you’re trying to do either one, you’re probably too dumb to distinguish, so stop acting like a total moron and smile for once. Unless you’ve got a lip tattoo, (like my friend, Kelsey, who drunkenly got “You’re toast” tattooed on the inside of her lip last weekend) you have nothing to show off. Kelsey’s chill, but the rest of you need to cut the shit and show the teeth that your regretful parents spent $5,000 in orthodontist bills trying to fix.
3. The Head Cock
Unless you were born with a tumor that weighs more than a baseball on the side of your face, do not cock your head. It makes you look special, and not the good kind of special that goes to Vegas to count cards. I’ll never understand why girls do this shit; you’re not a fucking puppy. If you tilt your face when getting your picture taken, I’m going to assume it’s because you like hearing the marble rolling back and forth in your empty head. Maybe everyone just does it to make their hair look longer. Which pisses me off, because I’ve gone through the trouble of successfully avoiding major haircuts since early high school just to get these obnoxiously long locks. How many times do I have to scream “false advertising?”
4. Estrogen Induced Photomagnetism
No matter how much room there is in the frame, every time I go to take a picture with some friends, girls jam their heads so close to mine that I become lightheaded from all the incredibly potent hairspray fumes. Like damn, I love you all, but how about some fucking personal space? If I wanted to know what your bra looks like, I’d just ask you to flash me your tits (and you would say yes). I don’t need to bird’s eye view down your shirt, save that shit for the night’s gentleman suitor. I find it ironic that you spend an hour doing your hair and are then willing to smash if up against the face of drunk chick you run into, who is sweating out the night’s vodka cranberries in the all-too crowded bar you drunkenly stumbled into. If you guys don’t stop, I’m going to take a lesson from John Travolta in The Boy in the Plastic Bubble, and live the rest of my life in incubator-like conditions. Please don’t make me do this, I get the feeling that it would have a pretty significant negative impact on my sex life.
Here’s to a year of bringing back posture, smiles, and poise. In all seriousness, I think my sisters are at their most beautiful when they defy all of these obnoxious trends. So let’s stand up as straight as we possibly can, taking into consideration our blood alcohol content. Let’s smile so big and friendly that no one knows how bitchy we actually are. Let’s hold our heads high, because a good stance reflects confidence, as well as a solid I-don’t-give-a-fuck-attitude. And most importantly, let’s not invade my personal space anymore, because I am not afraid to throw a bitch fit.