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Nipple Is Out, Cameltoe Is In

Let's Bring Dry Humping Back

There has been a lot of talk recently about nipples. Namely, from my boss Veronica. We’re taking every opportunity that we can to go braless and nip in full force. Nipple piercings have become just as common as your basic cartilage piercing. Nipping it has given women the chance to show off a little of what we’ve got, without going overboard. It’s the bulge of the chest. But as a feminist, I believe that we should also be able to rock a downstairs look just like our male counterparts. That is why I propose that we all start rocking our cameltoes as ASAP as possible.

If we’ve learned anything from the recent nipple trend, it’s that subtlety is sexy. You don’t have to show even a square inch of skin to pull off the look. It’s incredibly easy. Step 1, don’t wear a bra. Step 2, be hot. We should be taking this formula and applying it to other parts of our bodies. Namely, our crotch. All you have to do is get the balls, or lack there of, to show off a part of the body that is usually hidden, even though everyone knows it’s there.

Modern fashion already has gotten us halfway to Cameltoe Central. High waisted shorts, one-piece bathing suits, rompers, spandex everything. We’ve created the perfect opportunity to give the public a little lip service. We are fighting a force of nature. We could easily be walking effortlessly down the street, while our whispering eye whispers to passersby, “I have a sexy secret: a vagina.”

The only thing I could foresee being an issue is the term “cameltoe” can conjure reeling reactions. Usually a cameltoe is associated with your sweaty, overweight Aunt Bertha who spends every Thanksgiving panting after each bite and sprinkling each conversation with folksy racism. Anything that has been posted on Urban Dictionary are all equally horrible in their own way. Mooseknuckle. Front butt. Yo-yo smuggler. Yoga taco. We deserve better for our lovely labia. If we can all get on board with nipping, we can all get on board with lipping.

Haters will say that cameltoe is unattractive. But you know what is more unattractive? Taking your fingers in a claw formation and digging your underwear out of yourself like you lost a coin behind a couch cushion. The bend in the knees to release the ‘gina grip, the disjointed looking arm and wrist folded back, the blank focus on your face. It’s not exactly ladylike if that’s the type of look you’re going for. A real lady would accept the front wedgie as her destiny and continue on with her day, leading with her luscious lumps. Her hoo-hoo says yoo-hoo to any guy within a 50 miles radius. Nips could get you a nice guy, but your muff will get you married.

I’m not expecting for this to take off immediately, and if it did I would be disappointed. Voguish vulva is not something that should be a phase. It’s not a short-lived look that we will look back on nostalgically like jelly shoes or bangs. It should be a celebration of our womanhood that is both a fashion statement and a social statement. It says “I am woman, hear me…make whatever noise a camel makes, I guess.”

Image via Shutterstock

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Ali Hin

A born and raised Jersey girl, she can always be found covered in sand and pizza sauce. Her personal brand is "that girl." She prefers wine in bottles because she thinks outside of the box. Send fan mail to sratbroTSM@gmail.com or by smoke signal.

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