Newsflash: Your Boyfriend Is Not Your Best Friend


It’s a case men have made for centuries: guys don’t understand a fucking thing about women. Have not, do not, and never will. We’ve heard them complain about it since the dawn of time, and we will continue to hear about it until we wither away due to their inherent complaining about, well, everything. It’s how we’ve gotten away with whatever our batshit crazy hearts desired for as long as we can remember. While there can still be a very strong case made for the gay bestie community, it’s pretty indisputable that the average male has almost no idea what it means to understand a girl’s life. We get it. We’re a complex breed and we love to take advantage of it, primarily because men’s dicks control about 90 percent of their brains and we’ve self-appointed women as the superior species.

Thus, this has created one of the biggest flaws in female society to date–your boyfriend is not your best friend. There is a very thick line drawn in the sand. We should advertise it across billboards, in textbooks, and on any platform of social media possible to get it into our stubborn female minds. Your boyfriend is vastly different from your best friend. They are not the same thing, and you are ruining the bonds of sisterhood by trying to convince people around you that they can be one in the same.

Some of you might oppose this idea and think, “How could anyone ever say something so crazy? My boyfriend is my absolute BEST friend and he understands me more than anyone else in this world.” Well, those of you who think that probably need to reevaluate your existence and get some friends, because listen to me: you’re wrong. If you read the beginning of this in agreement, then you are you have already proven my point in the fact that men will never understand women, thus they cannot be your best friend. They can be supportive, compassionate, and listen to your ever PMS-driven word, but they will never be able to fully understand you like a best friend. There’s a unique bond between women. It’s most likely due to our ability to sync up our menstrual cycles, which makes us understand each other on a very primitive level. We just get each other. This is something a guy can spend the majority of his life pretending to do, but in reality, he actually just hopes you’ll stop talking long enough to see your boobs and then hopefully put his penis somewhere near your mouth.

The case can be made that a relationship is much different than a friendship. It is always great when a relationship stems from a friendship, and that is a very healthy step in the dating process. But there is still the transition of your relationship changing into something more. Think back on when you were just friends with a boyfriend. Chances are, he was pretty stupid and had almost no idea what he was doing. Truthfully, he’s probably just thankful you were willing to see him naked and that you no longer send a vomiting emoji when talking about his junk. All of that doesn’t change the fact that even if you two still act like best friends, it doesn’t matter how long you were friends before–sexual attraction changes the entire scenario. You are no longer the target. Your coochie is the primary aspiration.

Therefore, I am calling together a communal agreement between all women. Stand up for all of us and let it be known that we appreciate the male existence. Yes, while their lower extremities may come in handy after five or six Long Islands and we like having someone to buy us dinner and tell us we’re pretty, we really want someone who is going to listen to us discuss our excruciating cramps, tell us our nipples aren’t strangely shaped, and that it’s not the end of the world if we end up exactly like our mothers. Our best girl friends trump whatever a boyfriend could say, not because we believe it’s more intelligent, but because our lady parts prove it is the smartest. Need further proof? Here it is: why a guy will never be your best friend, and that his pants are strictly running the show.

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Babe Lincoln

Babe Lincoln (@Babe__Lincoln) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move and spends the majority of her time knocking back Franzia and introducing herself as "the female Johnny Manziel."

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