I don’t have a masculine bone in my body…but I have room for yours! Ayoooo! This is exactly how I start all of my relationships. And I basically mean that. When I’m first getting to know someone, I generally flaunt my femininity. I touch my hair a lot. I talk about the ongoings in the worlds of models, socialites, and reality stars. I joke about how long it takes me to get ready, because I have an extensive makeup routine. And I generally scoff at anything to do with beer, or sports, or outside. As you might imagine, coming out the gates bragging about the things you don’t have in common with guys is not exactly advisable when it comes to dating. But the fact of the matter is, I don’t really have anything in common with the people I’m attracted to.
OR SO YOU THINK. I have a long-standing theory that these commonalities are, in fact, bullshit, and are actually zero predictor of how successful a relationship will be. Does every guy you’ve ever wanted to pork have a photo of himself holding a dead fish in his Tinder profile? Yes. Do you have any interest in the dead fish? No. Does that somehow mean the two of you are doomed before you’ve begun? Doubtful.
Here’s the thing (that I’ve entirely made up, but hear me out). We have two types of interests. We have outside interests, which are the interests that all people pretty much know about you, on the outside. Someone doesn’t really need to know me beyond my social media to know that I love the Kardashians, costume parties, Starbucks and the color pink. (And for your boyfriend, these interests likely include sports and Star Wars for some reason.) My outside interests are the things I talk to random people about when we haven’t yet formed a real connection. “You have pretty eyelashes. What mascara do you use? Can you believe Selena and Bieber are back together? What did you think about the Gaga documentary?” They’re my genuine interests, but it’s a shallow conversation I could have with just about anybody. It means nothing in terms of connection.
What they are less likely to know are my inside interests. These are things like what makes me laugh, the types of social movements I can get behind and the kinds that piss me off, the fact that I totally believe in people’s energy more than I believe in any type of religion, and that I think philosophizing about humanity is among the most interesting topics in the world. Your views aligning on your inside interests is way more important than “liking country music.” He can go on a hike with his friends and you can go dancing with yours. It’s nice to be able to do activities together, but you don’t need each other for that.
I can be friends with someone who doesn’t like Kylie Jenner, but someone who doesn’t appreciate sex jokes, as that is 90% of what comes out of my mouth (and into it!) is probably not going to be someone I can truly be myself around. I can be into someone who prays to the football gods, but probably not someone who wants to talk about *actual* God regularly.
The point being — you don’t ever have to pretend to care about sports, or nature, or camping, or beer ever again. Because that stuff doesn’t actually matter for a successful relationship. Having vibes in common > having things in common. Trust..