My Ass Tattoo Was The Best Decision I Ever Made


Like any ass tattoo, my ass tattoo was a rash decision. But let me tell you, it was the best damn rash decision I’ve ever made. It rivals accepting a bid from my dream sorority, and drunkenly hooking up with the guy of my dreams. It was the most rebellious and liberating thing I’ve ever done. What started as a “you won’t” ended with $60 in a military town tattoo parlor and a very permanent reminder that I have absolutely no boundaries.

The pros of having an ass tattoo are endless. While it does make an unwarranted appearance every time I’m sloppy drunk, it’s never going to be uncool. As soon as I whip out my right butt cheek I’m the baddest chick in the room. If you’re at a party and you don’t want all eyes on your ass, you’re lying. Ever wanted Amy Schumer level body confidence? Get an ass tat.

While your boy toy may not like that you now have the power to bone every guy on the face of the earth, he’s going to show you off with pride. Your reputation with an ass tat now precedes you. I can’t tell you the number of times a friend has introduced me to someone and followed it up with “you know, the one with the ass tat I told you about.” Sure people are going to assume you are the wild child, but they are also going to assume you’re a boss ass bitch. Which you are.

Your butt will be named if you choose to adorn it with an ass tattoo. Everyone’s going to want to know why people call you “Toulouse.” When you tell them it’s because you have a tattoo of one of the Aristocats on your rump, your boy is going to beam. As fucked up as it may be, boys love to name body parts. If anything gives him a solid excuse to name your butt he’s going to claim those naming rights before you can say “a ring by spring.” I’m not saying having an ass tat makes you wife material, but it will keep him enthralled because it shows him you can hang with the best of them.

If someone doesn’t like my ass tat it’s the easiest way to tell that they don’t belong in my life. You can’t see my tattoo unless I want you to, so it will never be a hinderance to my career, professionalism, or overall classy demeanor. If someone judges me when they find out I have an ass tattoo, they care too damn much about what other people are doing. Is it tacky? Maybe just a bit. But it’s also hilarious, bold, and liberating. It reminds you that anyone who gives you shit for being yourself is not the kind of influence you want in your life.

Remember kids, the one thing that trumps TOFTB is an ass tat.

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