Columns

My REJECTED Sweetheart Application

So I decided it was time to grace the world with my beauty and apply to be a TFM Sweetheart. I thought I’d be a shoo-in, but the guys really didn’t seem to like my application, so I suppose my true identity will have to remain a mystery. I thought it was pretty funny, so I decided to share it with you.

Name: hot piece of TSM (‘Merica)

Age: Old enough

Height: This is the literal only measurement you don’t care about. Why is this a question? I guess asking weight and cup size would be inappropriate, huh? Because this site is crawling with appropriate. Ok, whatever, I’m 5’1”.

School: University of Shame and Remorse (Bad Decisions Campus)

Major: Major? Major hottieeeee!!!! But for real, Cognitive Science. What’s that, you ask? Well, if I knew the answer to that, perhaps I’d be doing something with my life other than writing for TSM.

Relationship Status:
I am in a pretty serious, long-term relationship with a man who goes by the name of Sir Robert Burnett, though we’re not exclusive. I am also seeing the guy I MO’ed last night, he just doesn’t know it yet. I don’t remember his name, but we both dressed as Gumby (I was a sexy Gumby, obv) to the mixer we met at, so it’s clear we have a pretty special connection. However, no one will ever compare to my one true love, the person who I’d do anything for, the most beautiful person I’ve ever known…Me. Duh.

One thing that impresses you when you’re out on a date?
As most of my collegiate dates aren’t so much “dates” as coincidental meet-ups at my favorite bar about 45 minutes before last-call, I’d say the thing that impresses me most on a date is if it is set for a time before 11:30PM. I’d prefer him to be sober too. Well, maybe not stone-cold sober, (because Lord knows I won’t be) just not belligerent.

What’s the creepiest move a guy has ever tried to pull on you?
I was young, drunk, and lost. I’d somehow gotten caught up in a conversation with a lesbian about the meaning of life, and I lost my friends (who later informed me they’d begged me to come upstairs with them, and I’d vehemently refused because I was so enthralled in my chit-chat). Once I’d bid Bertha adieu, I latched on to the nearest unsuspecting gent and asked him to walk me home. He told me he’d bring me back, but only if I’d let him see me naked. In retrospect, he might have been kidding, or that may have been his idea of a pre-coital pleasantry. In either case, drunk me thought this was a fair exchange. So, we went back to his place, I got naked, we talked about life for about an hour, as if it were normal that I was sitting on his floor in the nude, and then I got dressed and he took me home. Not sure if I’m more creeped out that he asked me to get naked as a thank you, that I did it, or that he didn’t try to make a move.

What are your plans after Graduation?
Possible contemplation of entering the professional world, but my real dream is to become famous for doing nothing. I’ve already prepared my best friend’s tidbit about me for my E! True Hollywood Story: “Hot Piece was always really eccentric. Everyone used to say how crazy she was, and for some reason, she thought we were kidding…We kept her around because she was entertaining, and because you knew if you’d embarrassed yourself, she’d probably embarrassed herself more. Deep down, I think I always knew she had too many personalities to stay out of the lime light. So, Hollywood, she’s your problem now.” Once I’m famous, it will be easy to trick some poor bastard into marrying me. Yes, that’s when I’ll really have it all. *Fingers Crossed.*

All-time favorite TFM or TSM?
I’d pee in hot piece of TSM’s butt. TFM. (Ok, so I made that up. Bite me.)

So, there you have it. Living proof that no matter how pretty you are, you can still fuck up a beauty contest if you’re a psycho. Check out the beauties who actually did make the cut in the TFM Sweetheart section.

Email this to a friend

Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

33 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account

Show Comments

For More Photos and Videos

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take TSM with you. Get

New Stories

Load More