It’s simple really. I’m going to become an ordained minister so that all of my friends, sorority sisters, and even loose acquaintances will put me in their weddings. I’ll just go online, get a minister license, and start marrying everyone I make eye contact with. It combines all of my favorite things: friends, love, attention, and alcohol. It’s really a wonder why I haven’t thought of this earlier.
Realistically, I’m not going to be in all of my friends’ bridal parties. They have other friends and family that they feel like they are obligated to put in their party. But I’m totally cool with that. No one ever says “always the ordained minister, never the bride!” so this is the perfect loophole. I’ll still be involved, I’ll be able to stand in the front instead of sitting in the crowd like a plebeian, and I won’t have to wear a hideous bridesmaid dress. Win-win-win!
Many worry that I will try to steal the show. This, of course, is a valid concern. I love speaking in front of crowds and performing standup comedy. I will most definitely drop a few jokes in there, but weddings are supposed to be serious and focused on the couple. I will absolutely respect that. I will take it very seriously. This day is about the bride and groom. Just as long as I get the recognition I deserve, then we’re square. If that means that I have to stand in the family line so that each guest can congratulate me on the best wedding service they have ever seen, then so be it.
You don’t even have to pay me. All I request is an invitation to the bachelorette party and reception, access to the open bar, and first dibs on the hottest groomsman. Not only will I breathe life into an otherwise incredibly boring ceremony, I’ll keep the party going afterwards all out of the goodness of my heart. Many ministers will charge you for their services and then not even show up to lead the Cupid Shuffle. But not this girl. Rev. Run? More like Rev. FUN.
What’s in it for me you ask? The good feeling in my heart when I get to be the first person who pronounces my friends married. No one else gets to do that. So I can hold that over their heads for the duration of their marriage. I’ll have a closer connection with my friend and their husband/wife/partner because without me, they wouldn’t be married. They’d just be roommates who boink. And under the law, you can’t get as many benefits for being roommates with benefits. I can rest assured knowing that all of my sorority sisters’ weddings will be in the best hands. The same hands that will strangle them if they don’t let me officiate their weddings. All of this will make the grueling process of becoming an online ordained minister worth it. That, and the free alcohol.
So for any of you who are interested, hmu. I’ll also do baptisms..