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My Life in Charge of Standards: Bus Sex

Ah, the week post-crush party. This is usually the standards meeting of all standards meetings which myself and the rest of the board pretend to dread but secretly have been looking forward to for forever. I head to the house early to read all the e-mails in my standards folder and see what went down that I didn’t see. I like to get preeeeeeet-ty wasted myself at these things, which is why I’m glad it’s only my job to hold the meetings and NOT to be the sober, watchful eyes of risk chair or E-Board.

After going through some barely-legible rants that were CLEARLY submitted during the wee hours of the morning, we have all the usual problems, like passing out or throwing up at the venue. The offenders can’t really argue their case, so most of the meeting will go smoothly. They’ll have to choose between being a sober sister, doubling up on study/philanthropy hours (assuming responsibility for MY study/philanthropy hours), or taking the fine. (Paying a $200 fine rather than being sober for one night. TSM.) I figure this week will be mostly a wash, until I pull up a form with the title “OLIVIA HAD SEX ON THE BUS.” My eyes read over the words. “Clearly moving up and down…obvious penetration…exposed genitals…” and I’m pretty shocked. I mean, the bus ride home from a mixer is never pretty between pee, puke, drunken tears, people passing out and losing shit. Hooking up is expected. Even I’ve been known to give the occasional OTPHJ-in-motion, but sex? Like, LITERAL intercourse in front of sisters, and members of other chapters? Lewd and unacceptable, even by my standards (no pun intended).

After my trusty board arrives and we get the usual suspects out of the way, I let them know what’s going on next. I am met with a few blank stares and a few, “yeah, I heard about that!”

Me: “Sooo, there were multiple reports. Were any of you guys on the same bus? Did you see it or did someone you know see it? Anything?”

Crickets.

Until Shannon, the shy sophomore (I know, totally unintentional alliteration) speaks up.

“I, um… Yeah. I saw it.”

“Soooo…it definitely happened? Like sex, or do you think theres a chance they were just MO’ing really enthusiastically? We have to be 100% sure otherwise we can’t accuse her. I mean, like, we still can. But are you sure?”

“No, they were definitely having sex. I saw her unzip his pants and go down on him and then, um…. she sat on his lap facing the front of the bus and started going up, and down…up, and down.”

“OKAY STOP!” That was all I needed to hear. Bring her in.

Me: “Hey, Liv, how are you?” You always start out friendly.
Olivia: “Hey guys! I’m good, just been studying all day What’s going on?” I guess she wanted to start out friendly too.
Me: “Well we…um….we received multiple reports that you had sex on the bus on the way home from crush party.”

Blank stare. Blink. Blink.

Olivia: “Well…just so you know, that guy was one of my dates. We’re together. Like, so you don’t think I’m a slut or anything.” Oh, ok, that fixes it.

Me: “Ooookay, but. You do realize you’re still not allowed to have sex on the bus. Like it doesn’t really matter who it was with.”

Olivia: “Did I have sex? I don’t think I did. I think I would remember. I really don’t remember. We were definitely hooking up, but like…”

Me: “Well, all these reports say that, you had sex. You were moving up and down…I’ll read them to you.”

(Olivia winces while I read the very….descriptive reports of her sexual endeavors.)

Me: “Sooo…is it true, or not?”

Olivia: “I just don’t remember doing that. It’s not necessarily NOT true, but…”

Me: “Whatever. Just come back in 5 minutes.”

When Olivia leaves, we have to figure out what we’re going to do with her. This is one of the stickiest situations we encounter in standards…when someone won’t admit to something and there’s no concrete evidence. I mean, it’s not like there are video cameras on the bus. We’re not really sure whether to be horrified by her blatant disregard for her own behavior, take pity on her for being a hot mess, or just laugh about the whole thing. We call her back into the room.

“Okay, sooooo…even though we really think you DID have sex on the bus, we can’t prove it, and we already have enough sober sisters for the mixer next week, so you’re basically off the hook. Consider this a warning. Just know that you’re going to be watched very closely for the next few socials”
(By who? Certainly not me. Probably no one. But I should say something to sound threatening.)

Olivia: “OMG! Thank you guys soooo much. You know, for being so understanding. Doing something like that and not remembering is like, SOOOO not me. It never happens. I don’t even know….OMG, you guys are the best. I promise it will never happen again.”

Olivia skips out of the meeting room to leave the house, most likely headed to her frat boy of the moment to gloat about what they got away with, and I’m not far behind, except I’m on my way to the kitchen to pour myself a stiff drink. All the paperwork can wait till later.

Until next time,
VP Standards

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