My Hellacious Month As A Raw Vegan

My Hellacious Month As A Raw Vegan

With summer just around the corner, I was on a desperate quest to find my pool body. It was time to embark on a new diet. Since “eat less, exercise more” is just so basic, I prefer to seek out the trendy and controversial diets. I’ve tried and failed at just about all of them, but one of my more ridiculous attempts was when I found raw veganism.

Raw veganism, if you’re not familiar, is basically veganism but with the last remaining redeemable foods removed. I mentally committed myself to 30 days of raw food and then consulted the blogosphere for advice on how to get started. Once I had a grasp of the rules and all the benefits I would receive — no foods heated above 104 degrees and your skin will shine with the glow of a thousand stars — I purchased my gear. A few hundred dollars later, I was the proud new owner of a food processor and dehydrator! I then grabbed my reusable bags and hit the local farmer’s market to stock up on ingredients such as 10 pounds of nuts and 50 apples, and that’s only a slight exaggeration.

My first recipe was “chicken-less salad-less chicken salad.” Sounds legit. I dump an ungodly amount of cashews into the food processor with some water, celery, and a few spices and turn on the machine. It immediately begins to emit a sound I can only imagine is equivalent to throwing boulders into a wood chipper. After a few minutes, I examine the product that has supposedly reached a “chicken salad-like consistency.” Looks more like “chopped up cashews” to me, but okay. Surprisingly, it isn’t terrible so I finish the bowl and immediately feel healthier, younger, and more superior than my cooked food eating peers.

In the morning I enjoy a bowl of room temperature uncooked steel cut oats thrown through a blender. It was the opposite of satisfying. For lunch I was looking forward to a bowl of sprouted quinoa, not realizing that “sprouted” meant exactly that.

• Step 1: Put quinoa in a bowl.
• Step 2: Gill bowl with water.
• Step 3: Cover bowl with a damp paper towel.”

Done and done! This raw vegan thing is a breeze.

• Step 4: Wait 3 days for quinoa to sprout. Enjoy!

On second thought, I think Ill just have some leftover cashews.

There were a few genuinely delicious recipes, such as the raw chocolate truffles or the raw raspberry pie bars, but unfortunately junk food is still junk food even when raw. My plan was to do this on a trial basis for a month and then if I felt as radiant as people claimed I would, continue it as my permanent lifestyle. I’m going to say I lasted a solid week completely raw, did it on and off for a few weeks, and then abandoned this torture once and for all by week four. If there’s one thing I learned its how much I take for granted the ability to come home and prepare food that is ready to be eaten within the day, and how comforting a warm meal really is. No offense, raw vegans, if anything I admire your dedication even more now, but this gal can’t hang. I still have intentions of using my dehydrator to make fruit leather and dog treats, but as of now it remains in the corner, untouched. As for my pool body, I heard there’s a new diet where you eat only bananas…

Image via Shutterstock

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