If you’re like me, your nudes aren’t just another crappy picture taking up space in your camera roll. No, if you’re like me, your nudes are a work of art that rival even that of da Vinci. Nudes are always something I’ve taken pride in, even if I never send them to anyone. Call me crazy, but I think they’re a nice confidence boost.
During my sophomore year of high school, a close friend taught me the best way (or what I thought was the best way up until a few months ago) to store nudes on your phone. Not by using some picture vault that draws attention to what you might be hiding, but by using your own built-in camera roll. You pull up the nude that you’re trying to hide, select “edit” and zoom it in as far as you can to a random part of the image so that you can’t tell what it is. Then, you simply “save” the new image and bada bing, bada boom – your nude is now just a blurry image that nobody would look twice at while you are scrolling through your camera roll, trying to show off a cute selfie you took last week.
Around March of last year, I honestly do not know what came over me, but I was taking nudes almost daily. Whether it was due to my new raise at work and having money to buy cute, cheeky panties to pose in, or that my diet and exercise were finally paying off and you could just start to see a four pack subtly creeping over my stomach. In any case, just about every other photo in my camera roll was zoomed in and blurry.
My best guy friend, who I had known for almost six months at this point had this super cool, jailbroken version of Snapchat on his phone. You could open a snap as many times as you wanted, you could save videos and pictures directly off people’s stories without them knowing, and you could use geofilters from literally anywhere on the planet. You can see the appeal, right? Frightening, right? Anyway, he told me that he would download the jailbroken version onto my phone if I promised not to tell anyone where or how I got it (whoops, sorry).
I showed up to his apartment excited, phone in hand. I was ready to cause all sorts of trouble with my cool “new” app. We were sitting around on the couch as he explained all he would have to do was sync my phone to his computer, put the jailbroken Snapchat on my phone, and I’d be ready to go. So he took it, plugged it in, and my phone started syncing. We went on talking about whatever was happening that weekend when all of a sudden the computer beeped that it was done. Kevin grabbed his computer off the floor and I watched as his eyes widened to the size of tennis balls. Right there on the computer screen, no longer zoomed in, for God and everyone to see were my tits.
I turned the deepest shade of red you’ve ever seen and snatched his laptop from his lap, effectively causing him to snap out of his stupor and pick his jaw up from off of the ground. He slowly turned and looked at me with those same wide eyes, surveying me as if he had x-ray vision. “Well that was a nice surprise for today,” he said. I had no response. “So if you ever need to, like, send those to someone for approval before you really send them…” I felt my face get even redder and stammered something to him about never bringing it up again. He reluctantly agreed.
One thing is for sure, no matter how damn cool it would’ve been to have that app on my phone, my best guy friend seeing my nudes in exchange for it was for sure shit not worth it. Do yourself a favor and download a photo vault app. After all, you don’t store artwork in just any old room..
Image via Shuttertstock