My Academic Advisor Saw My Nudes


Every spring the daunting task arises to ask a hottie to formal. I don’t care if the guy you are planning on asking is your boyfriend of three years, your fuckboy hookup, your gay best friend, or your brother. You need ask him in a cute, creative way. He might be head over heels in love with you or just in it for the hot post-event sex, but there is a 100 percent chance your potential date has something he would rather be doing on a Friday night besides dressing up in a suit, taking ‘candid photos,’ and being interrogated by 300 of your closest friends about your relationship status. That being said, you need to take two fucking seconds to think of a cute, crafty way to make him feel special and express your gratitude when you ask him.

Around formal time this guy Ryan and I had been together about six months. We weren’t “officially official” but we were clearly exclusive. Because of our relationship status (and my feelings about formal asking expressed above) I felt like I really needed to ask him in a risqué way to catch his attention. Solution: Write “Ryan Formal?” on my boobs, take a picture, print it out, and send it to him in the mail sealed with a lipstick kiss. Sounds brilliant right? Well the idea was, but I’m just not.

The night came to execute the plan. I had my best friend write my proposal on my chest in red cursive and, because we are notorious for taking each others’ nudes, take a photo of it. The photo turned out perfect. Prime lighting and tits looked massive. Literally everything you could want in a tit pic, amiright? My friend emailed me the photo, I pulled it up on my email on my laptop, and then printed it out. I shut my computer and called it a night. Easy and sexy as fuck.

The next morning at 8 a.m. I had an appointment with my academic advisor to discuss my academic standing. During our meeting, my advisor casually asked me if I could pull up my degree planner on my laptop, to which I happily obliged. I pulled my laptop out of my bag and set it on her desk between the two of us. I opened the laptop and my “formal asking” photo was still pulled up on the screen.

Holy. Fuck. Talk about mortified. My advisor wasn’t a chill 25-year-old advisor who may or may not have thought the pic was actually meant for him. My advisor is a 75-year-old lady who looks like the fucking teacher from Jimmy Neutron. This lady looks like she might drop dead any fucking second and at this particular moment it looked like she might drop dead from a heart attack. I couldn’t utter a single word.

Most people over the age of twenty-five might read this and think the moral of the story is not to ask your man to formal with a tit pic. This my friends, is not the moral. Ryan LOVED my formal asking and said yes followed by mind blowing sex. The moral of THIS story is to make sure your advisor is a sexy 25-year-old who would be entertained by your photo and proceed to invite you to engage in hot sex over his desk to which you will oblige in return for preregistration for all of your classes.

That is all.

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