MTV Movie Awards Recap

In case you were too busy destroying your self esteem/finding enough thinspiration material for the next 25 years watching the Miss USA pageant to realize it, the MTV Movie Awards were on last night. I’ve come to realize that the MTV Movie Awards are way less relevant than the VMA’s. They’re equivalent to the Oscars, except, nobody is all that talented, or well-dressed, and everybody’s on tons of drugs. Basically, the only thing the MTV Movie Awards have in common with the Oscars is they both are movie-related awards shows.

This year, MTV decided to do a hybrid Punk’d/red carpet pre-show, and it was terribly anti-climatic and boring. If you missed it, you missed nothing, except for how terrible of a human being Amber Rose is. The Smirnoff spokeswoman wore a mint-colored, ill-fitting lace number that looked nothing short of tacky. I think she really set the tone for the show – boring and tasteless.

Speaking of tasteless, Russel Brand was this year’s host. After his mediocre monologue, during which he made jabs at Kanye West and Kim Kardashian, as well as the Hunger Games vs. Twilight rivalry, Brand went on to criticize American government. I can’t remember exactly what he said, but he continued to insult our country’s democracy. I take huge offense to his remarks, mainly because…he’s British. If you want to run your mouth and hold your own opinions, at least do so in your own country. I would NEVER host a British tv show and condemn the entire nation for their lack of oral hygiene.

Moving on.

After Russel Brand/Charlie Sheen’s lackluster opening, Mark Wahlberg and Mila Kunis gave the worst awards presentation for the Dirtbag Award Category. I really hope the two were high off their asses, because their awful timing and embarrassing teleprompter reading skills were a disgrace. On a lighter note, Jennifer Aniston graciously accepted the award in a tight, one shoulder LBD. She looked like a total babe. I think she’s secretly Benjamin Button.

Shailene Woodley, formerly of “Secret Life of The American Teenager” and currently of “The Descendants” fame won the Breakthrough Performance award, which I totally agree with. I mean, the fact that she was able to stop drooling over George Clooney for long enough to shoot a scene, let alone an entire film, is award-worthy enough.

The Best Male Performance Award went to Josh Hutcherson, aka Peeta Mallark. I’m 9000% positive Josh’s inspiration for his outfit was Cher’s gay best friend Christian in “Clueless.” Re-watch it if you’re unclear. I would have loved to see Daniel Radcliffe win this category, especially because the last Harry Potter film was the final one of the franchise, whereas The Hunger Games is just beginning. Also, this was the start of the transformation of this show into The Hunger Games Awards.

The Hunger Games also won: Best Female Performance (Jennifer Lawrence as Katniss, duh), Best Fight (Katniss & Peeta’s epic final battle at the Cornucopia), Best On-Screen Transformation (Elizabeth Banks to Effie Trinket). Overall, the movie took home 4 awards that night.

Where The Hunger Games wasn’t winning, Twilight was…unfortunately. I just can’t understand. Twilight is, ultimately, one GDI’s struggle to choose between necrophilia and bestiality. That being said, I would like to also note how much I HATE KRISTEN STEWART. Kristen Stewart showed up in some mini dress scenario that had no direction in the color palette sector. Oh. And she wore Converse sneakers with it. So. That’s cute. She presented the Best Female Performance award, and also accepted the awards for Best Kiss and (ugh) Movie of the Year. She has zero public speaking ability, first of all. She mumbles, stutters, and bites her lip so often I want to slap her. Also, she would do very well to pay a visit to a tanning salon. I think she’s taking this whole vampire thing too seriously. Furthermore, she should just BRUSH her HAIR. It’s not that complicated. The Twilight franchise took home 2 awards.

The Best Cast well deservedly went to the cast of Harry Potter and The Deathly Hollows Part Two. While I’m still upset the film didn’t sweep the entire show, I’m maintaining that this award was the most meaningful, because it awarded the performance of the actors in both their individual parts and as members of an epic ensemble.

Other notable events: the Crypt Keeper showed up dressed like Steven Tyler to present Johnny Depp (who has never looked hotter) with the Generation Award. Emma Stone won me over with her heartfelt and articulate thank-you acceptance speech of her Trailblazer Award.

I’m mainly disappointed in how tame/lame MTV awards shows have been since Kanye stole Taylor’s microphone. The major highlight of the evening was when Joe Mangianello and his abs showed up dressed as a shirtless firefighter to present Elizabeth Banks with her golden popcorn trophy. I was really hoping it would end with the announcement that Kristen Stewart and Russel Brand would date each other, get married, and move to their own little island where no one has to hear from them again, but no such luck. Maybe next year.

Follow me on twitter: @PearlsHiltonTSM

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