Move Over, Crystal Light And Vodka — Powdered Alcohol Is Officially Legal, And Life Just Got Better

Powdered Alcohol

Crystal Light and vodka: oh, the sweet, sweet taste of freshman year. And sophomore year. Sure, you dabbled junior year. And senior year is basically freshman year again, so yes, you tossed it back. And fuck it, you still drink it as a postgrad because it’s easy, delicious, and low-cal.

Needless to say, it’s time to pack that shit up. There’s something new on the market, and it’s even better. It’s called Palcohol and it’s literally powdered alcohol. Best part? For some insane reason, it’s actually legal here because God bless these United States.

As of Wednesday, it’s officially allowed, and for that we are eternally grateful. It comes in little packages, and you just mix it with water and voilà! An instant blackout. Naturally, some wet sponges are “concerned” about this. According to CBS News:

Several states have already moved to ban powdered alcohol, including lawmakers in Colorado who last month advanced legislation to temporarily halt its sale. Concerns have included abuse by minors and whether Palcohol’s light weight would make it easy to sneak alcohol into public events.

This is absurd. I mean, Colorado? We expected better of you. Plus yes, absolutely minors will abuse this, but, uh, let’s be real, minors are already abusing alcohol. Take one step into a college bar and you’ll be overwhelmed with the amount of baby-faced, fake-ID-holding, drunk off their asses, underage freshmen. As for sneaking alcohol into events, we’ll totally do that, but that doesn’t mean we don’t already. Ever checked a sunscreen bottle of a sorority girl on a cruise? I can promise you it doesn’t contain SPF protection.

Despite the haters, I personally cannot wait for this to make it’s way into my alcohol-loving hands. Sure, I’ll try sprinkling some on my pizza to see if my dream of getting drunk on food can come true. And for that, I have no apologies. God bless Palcohol, and God bless the U.S. of A. Thanks for making getting fucked up more exciting each and every day. It’s what our forefathers would have wanted.

[via CBS News]

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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