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Missing Pages Of The Burn Book, Revealed

If no one made up a rumor about you in high school, did you really even go? With all those grotsky little biotches walking around like they ran the place (not you, of course) you were bound to make one tiny mistake that got blown way out of proportion. Or maybe you never did anything bad at all, but someone was still out to get you. Well, I have some news for all you girls who may or may not have made out with a hot dog once or twice or every day at lunch: there are missing pages from the Burn Book. That’s right, Ms. Norbury. Regina George wasn’t finished yet–she still had to tackle college.

Sam I. Slam

Sam I. Slam
I heard that girl lost her virginity at age seven, and she’s so Slutsville, I believe it. I mean, did you see the way she danced on that stripper pole at last week’s mixer? She’s too good not to have a secret job at the corner of Gonorrhea Street and Shameful Avenue. Doesn’t she know she can get pregnant? And die?

Rita Lynn

Rita Lynn
That girl never leaves the library. Like, I’m pretty sure they actually have a room reserved for her in the basement next to the boiler room. I swear she’s cracked out on Addy–and maybe actual crack–every time I see her. The next exorcist movie should use her for inspiration. That’s the stuff nightmares are made of.

Alison Wonderbra

Alison Wonderbra
I overheard the guys in econ say she never takes off her bra during sex. How is that even possible? She has to be hiding something. She probably stuffs her bra or has misplaced nips from a horrible boob job. It’s a shame, really. Poor thing.

Hannah Jobs

Hannah Jobs
Have you see the arms on that girl? There’s only one explanation: she has to be giving out handies every night. If you look really closely, her right arm looks a little bit bigger than her left. Yeah, she’s definitely a right-handed jerker–or a pitcher for the softball team. Whatever. I have my theories and you have yours.

Sandy Busche

Sandy Busche
What a total hippie. During spring break, I’m pretty sure she tripped out on shrooms, stripped completely naked, and tried to slither on the beach like a snake. She said it was freeing, which I’m sure was the case–until police officers had to lock her up for public indecency. It was pubic indecency if you ask me. It’s not the ’70s anymore, babe.

Hay Zerfolyfe

Hay Zerfolyfe
This girl has more minions than Justin Bieber has haters. The rumored number of girls she sent to the hospital grows with every rush season. It’s like the Holocaust, only Hitler is a pretty, skinny, little bitch. This girl is just out for blood.

Ima Homewrecker

Ima Homewrecker
Did you see the way she skeezed all over my boyfriend at the bar last night? I heard she’s the one who broke up the power couple. THE POWER COUPLE! If the power couple isn’t safe, no one is. Homegirl needs to stop her drunk ass from attempting to spread her venereal diseases to men who are spoken for.

Piss N. Pants

Piss N. Pants
She definitely peed her pants while passed out on the stage at a frat party this weekend. It’s all anyone is talking about. Maybe it’s a serious medical condition. I heard she’s going to have to start wearing adult diapers. I should probably warn all the boys. No one wants to date a bed-wetter–unless maybe you like that kind of thing, in which case, #ew.

Sally Smokesalot

Sally Smokesalot
This girl goes HAM on the green. You can tell by the way she goes HAM on the mac ‘n’ cheese a few hours later. It takes some serious munchies to down that many carbs. On top of that, any text I’ve ever received from her is a 3 a.m. Taco Bell chauffeur request. I don’t think she goes to any of her classes either. Except botany. She got an A+ on her hydroponic garden project. She’ll probably make a killing after weed is legalized.

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premed donna

Who said you can't be smart and funny? When I'm not writing for TSM, you can find me studying into oblivion, downing a bottle of chardonnay, and/or sobbing for reasons I have yet to understand. All hate fan mail can be sent to premed.donna.tsm@gmail.com.

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