Michigan Bans Oral And Anal Sex

Butt Stuff

Just when you think the world is against you, you hear that there is a magical land that really exists. That land is a far-away place called “Michigan.” It is there that your chariot awaits, as there is currently a law that bans both anal and oral sex. *Swoons.*

Sure this is absolutely unconstitutional and a complete setback in the civil rights movement, but other than that, assuming that “oral” only refers to blow jobs, it’s still a dream come true. Could you imagine it? A world where you could get your boyfriend arrested for trying to cop some dome?

The best part of this ridiculous law is that it’s making butt stuff akin to beastiality. The legislature dictates that “A person who commits the abominable and detestable crime against nature either with mankind or with any animal is guilty of a felony.” You can get 15 to life in the state of Michigan for giving your boyfriend blow job, because it’s basically the same as fucking your dog.

Michigan Senator Rick Jones had the following to say to Frontiers Media about why the “with mankind” verbiage remains intact:

“The minute I cross that line and I start talking about the other stuff, I won’t even get another hearing. It’ll be done,” Jones said. “Nobody wants to touch it. I would rather not even bring up the topic, because I know what would happen. You’d get both sides screaming and you end up with a big fight that’s not needed because it’s unconstitutional.”

“If you focus on it, people just go ballistic,” he said. “If we could put a bill in that said anything that’s unconstitutional be removed from the legal books of Michigan, that’s probably something I could vote for, but am I going to mess up this dog bill that everybody wants? No.”

Welp. Okay then.

[via Frontiers Media]

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Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at

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