Man’s Dog Chews His Testicle Off In His Sleep

Filing this one under “We’re never getting a dog.” That folder is filling up nicely, I might add.

About three weeks ago, a 39-year-old Arkansas man “rescued” what he described as a “small, white, fluffy,” stray dog. From my understanding, lots of people like dogs a bunch, so I suppose this makes sense for that population. Personally, I prefer humans to animals, because they’re not furry (except for like…my dad), and they don’t smell bad, and if they start humping you when you don’t want them to, they get more than a newspaper to the booty. Plus, you can talk to them and stuff.

Still, when it comes to canines, the bane of my existence, I am in the minority. I’m the crazy one for being wary of a dog living on the streets. You don’t know what brought it there, and sure, it’s sad, but it doesn’t mean the dog can’t be dangerous. It could be aggressive, or rabid, and most of them just want to take advantage of your generosity and buy drugs.

If you are to take a stray animal in instead of calling a shelter or something to take care of it, you should OBVIOUSLY take it to the vet for some sort of animal psych evaluation and rabies test, right? To make sure it’s not going to chew your testicles off in your sleep or something, right? That’s just common sense! Not to this guy.

This Monday, our victim was just minding his own business, sleeping in the nude, the way God intended, when suddenly he was woken by a “burning pain” in his groin. He looked down to find that his dog, you know, man’s best friend, was gnawing off his balls. He can’t have been too happy about this, because guys really like their balls. If I had to wager a bet, I’d say most men would agree that they are closer friends with their genitals than they are with their pets, but what do I know? He didn’t notice the beast stealing his family jewels from him until it was too late, because the man was paralyzed from the waist down. Yikes.

The dog has since been euthanized. Like I said, it would have been better for all to have just left it on the street, and let authorities deal with it.

[via Gawker]

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Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at

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