I know it has recently become a trend of sorts for girls to parade themselves around in public dressed like shit. No matter how unpopular my opinion is on this, I find it offensive and tacky. In the winter months, it’s more forgivable. You have to bundle up. But when it’s warm out, it’s just as easy to toss on a dress as it is to wear running shorts and a big T-shirt. You have no excuse, and I just don’t understand why people would purposely go out in public looking their worst.
It makes me cringe. It really does. I thought I was alone in this, but then I came upon this Craigslist ad:
The other day I was getting my outdoor marg on with my boys at Dos Caminos (Soho not Midtown; sorry, Pfizer dorks), and I saw something so upsetting that I nearly spit out my choice bev. A homeless man was walking around in a pair of Levi’s, in June. Long pants in June? Wtf? Seeing someone in denim longs post-solstice totally limped out my summer bone. I’ve never been much of an activist, but I thought to myself, “Collie, this stops here.” We simply cannot have the homeless walking around in pants in the summertime ruining the seasonal vibe. I mean how can I get prepped to anchor my Fire Island flip cup squad on the weekends if I’ve gotta see winter fashion during the week?
Finally! There’s someone out there I can relate to. I hate seeing people in clothes I don’t like. Levi’s in June? Sounds absolutely miserable. It’s offensive to the eyes and disrespectful to the people around you. As a result, this gem of a man has come up with an absolutely brilliant idea: a shorts drive for the homeless. Rather than spending money on getting these people homes or food, he wants to up their wardrobe, and to be honest, I think this is the best place to start. No one wants to hire someone who doesn’t dress well. Also, if we start feeding them, they won’t fit into the model sizes anymore, so it’s kind of pointless.
Thankfully, our guy has put some rules in place to ensure the fashionability remains in tact in his city people beautification project.
– New or gently used shorts only
– No Dockers. This is not your shitty hometown, if you donate Dockers the homeless will only continue to look homeless. Shorts from J. Crew, Bonobos, Banana Republic and Vineyard Vines are preferred. And for fuck’s sake, if you even know where an Old Navy is then you are one step away from being on the receiving end of this shorts drive.
-No Lululemon men’s wear. It’s a fine line, but we’re trying to make these ‘bonds look like brahs that crush Bellinis at Sarabeth’s, not like goons that think they impress the ladies at Soulcycle, or even worse ‘bags that think they’re competitive because they go to Flywheel.
– No Southeastern Conference embroidery. Whales, anchors and golf tees are encouraged, but we don’t want to embarrass these drifters by making their shorts scream “My pug’s name is Saban” or “I’m a Giants fan because I went to Ole Miss just like Eli.” I would add no Big 10 embroidery either, but Big 10 people differentiate themselves by continuing to wear cargo shorts well into 2014.
– No carg’s. Doi.
– If you live in Brooklyn or Queens and feel the overwhelming need to donate please take an Uber to the drop-off locations, DO NOT request an uberX, if you take a green outer-borough taxi to this area you’ll just be undermining the point of this beautification project.
A noble cause. Donate today.