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Malia Obama Is A Feisty Little Teenager, Viciously Kicked Fellow Concert-Goer

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…or, at least that’s how the media is spinning the story. The real inside scoop? She attended a concert, which is something teenagers–even the ones who have the president for a dad–are allowed to do. And, get this–she acted like a teenager. Shocking, I know.

So, the story (according to everyone who loves Obama, hates Obama, or doesn’t give a shit about Obama and just wants clicks on their sites) goes as follows: Malia Obama, the eldest daughter of the Mr. and Mrs. of the White House, turned 16 and decided to become a rebellious hellion. She wanted to hang out with her friends, she wanted to enjoy her summer, she wanted to go to concerts. (Please. Stop me when this becomes too much. It’s all really riveting and shocking stuff, I know.) Girlfriend escaped from the District, flew to Chicago, put on a floral headband dress, and donned her MF rage face. From there, it all went downhill. Once she was safely amongst her disgusting fellow concert-goers, Malia lost her shit and started attacking people. ATTACKING. And where was the Secret Service, one might ask? Oh, they were there. Watching. Waiting. Laughing. They let the scrawny little 16-year-old girl go to town on helpless (read: weed-smoking) American citizens. My God, the humanity. When will it stop? Palestine. Israel. Russia. Afghanistan. American vets are jobless. Illegal aliens are homeless. Some asshole with Ebola is in New York, Orlando Bloom tried to punch Justin Bieber, and now we’re letting our nation’s most famous kids just up and assault people whenever they damn well please. GET IT TOGETHER, OBAMA.

But really. Google this story (or don’t, I don’t care). But if you do, the above story is what you’ll find. The horror. The devastation. The all-around travesty. The child of a president went to a music festival? Lord, save us. What actually happened, however, reads like a less-dramatic (read: insane and made up) version of, again, the above story. Basically, Malia went to Chicago as part of her summer vacation and attended the Lollapalooza music festival. Once there and safely guarded by the Secret Service, Malia was friendly to fellow concert-goers and agreed to take some selfies. She said yes to some people and no to others, you know, because she’s an American citizen and has free will. Then–and this is where the story gets good–she accidentally kicked some girl. And I say “accidentally” because the “victim,” or “person” as some might call her, tweeted about the “incident” and acknowledged that it was, in fact, an accident.

I got (accidentally) kicked by Malia Obama today at Lollapalooza. No lie. Malia. Obama. It was awesome. #lollapalooza
— Bridget Truskey (@b_truskey) August 4, 2014

Here’s my issue with the whole thing. Who the fuck cares? We, TSM, can get away with covering stories like this because it’s funny. Because, you know, we’re a comedy site. But CNN and Fox News and MSNBC and real, breaking news outlets? They should not give a shit about Malia Obama attending a concert. You know why? Because it’s not news. Palestine firing rockets at Israel? That’s news. An American general getting killed while visiting an Afghan base? That’s news. The fact that SOMEONE WITH THE EBOLA VIRUS IS IN A NEW YORK CITY HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW? That’s news. But Malia Obama accidentally kicking some girl and then subsequently apologizing? That’s not news. Just like when the Bush twins got caught at a college bar with fake IDs. Just like when Chelsea Clinton went through her awkward years. Just like when Susan Ford had her prom at the White House. Is it interesting? Yes. But is it news? No. We have bigger fish to fry. We’ve got a crippling debt, a handful of wars, and a government that can’t seem to agree on or accomplish anything. Let’s concentrate on that stuff. Besides, who the hell wants their awkward years plastered on the cover of the Wall Street Journal? Quite honestly, it’s a little rude if you ask me.

[via Business Insider]
[via Yahoo]
Image via Instagram

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Catie Warren

From Rush To Rehab (@catie__warren) is a semi-fuctioning adult who has been celebrating her 21st birthday for the past three years. She attended college in the nation’s capital and to this day is angry that Pit Bull lied to her, as you cannot, in fact, party on The White House lawn. Prior to her success with TSM, Rehab was most famous for being featured in her hometown newspaper regarding her 5th grade Science Fair Project for which she did not place. In her spare time, she enjoys attributing famous historical quotes to Marilyn Monroe and getting in fights with thirteen year olds on twitter. Email: catie@grandex.co

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