I was literally the worst undergraduate student in the entire world. One time, I forgot to show up for a final because I was busy day drinking. Another time, I went to class a total of four times during a semester (all of which were for exams) because I had a boy lending me his notes and helping me study for tests. I’m not saying the only reason I passed economics is because I was sleeping with my TA, but I’m not saying it isn’t, either. I once took an elective called “Witchcraft, Religion and Theology” because I thought it would be like taking a class at Hogwarts. It wasn’t. My final paper was basically a rewrite of the Harry Potter series. Somehow, I managed to get my shit together in time to graduate in three years, without honors or distinction. My parents were so proud that I wasted their money to further propel myself into mediocrity, obviously.
I’m certain, however, that there was a real reason behind my sub-par GPA. It wasn’t because I scheduled my classes around happy hour. It wasn’t because I called in “sick” to my student teaching internship for a philanthropy event turned day drink. There was no way my lack of academic motivation coupled with the partying my sorority afforded me contributed to my GPA (or lack thereof). Essentially, the reason I sucked at school so badly is because I had obviously chosen the wrong major, and I’m sure I’m not alone. There are millions of us who can’t find a way to focus our skill sets in a way that truly suits us given the options we’re provided by the university. If schools would just offer a few majors more applicable to real life, it would really work out for most of us. Here’s what I was thinking.
Geared towards those who can invest hours of their time scoping out every single menial detail of someone’s life, a BA in Cyber Stalking has various, time-consuming requirements. You’ll have to master the art of Facebook stalking in FB STALK101, and then will further learn how to set up false social media accounts to gain access to the details of your ex-boyfriend’s life in your senior seminar.
Job Outlook: Graduates can expect possible career consideration as private investigators. The majority of degree holders wind up in insane asylums or with restraining orders filed against them, so the field is not very competitive.
Procrastination is the perfect major for those who do not “seize the day” and prefer to “wait until another day” to do anything productive. A major in procrastination is as flexible as it is useless. Students are allowed to create their own schedule of courses and attend whenever they see fit. The only requirement is they submit a file of what appears to be four years worth of work before graduation, generally done within a week of the “due date.”
Job Outlook: The possibilities are endless. Most high-level procrastinators tend to excel in fields such as journalism, where deadlines are viewed as challenges. It’s also been said a heavy percentage of degree holders carry their fetuses to full term because they never get around to buying Plan B.
This degree is great for anyone who enjoys spending other people’s money on activities such as getting wine drunk and spending $500 on shit you don’t need but MUST have. You might not know what the fuck a derivative is, but you know a great sale when you see one. Coursework includes frequenting your local mall, as well as specializing in e-commerce.
Job Outlook: Apparently, there are actual “careers” that involve shopping. If you’re interested in becoming a personal shopper or a buyer for a large company, this may be for you. This degree also works well for those who prefer to stay at home and spend their future
enabler’s husband’s money.
If you’re a pro at slamming shots of well vodka, this major will probably be right up your ally. Courses include “Happy Hour 201” and “Anatomy of a Blackout.” You probably won’t be able to make it to any other “educational” requirements, but who cares? The BA in “Binge Drinking” stands for “bad ass.”
Job Outlook: Most people with “Binge Drinking” degrees favor futures as highly functioning alcoholics, but some like to turn their “former substance abuse” into a “positive outcome.” These select few become drug and alcohol counselors. By doing so, they obviously alienate their old friends and acquaintences, because nobody likes the self-righteous asshole who “got sober” and has “never felt better.”
The MRS. Degree
If you’re unambitious and fantastically mediocre, this is a great degree for you. There’s no need to worry about learning any material that will help mold you into a contributing member of society when you can focus on finding a husband. Your mission is simple: waste your years in college away by finding someone to date you and trick them into proposing immediately after graduation. Coursework includes “pretending to be happy when you’re living a life void of any meaningful fulfillment” and “having a kid in an attempt to save your marriage.”
Job Outlook: Well, great, actually, because you’ll obviously be a stay-at-home housewife. Don’t let the fact that you spend your nights getting wine drunk and crying in the kitchen get to you. You are living the dream. I mean, who doesn’t want to wake up every day to look forward to starching a few of your husband’s dress shirts while ignoring his secretary’s lipstick stains on them?