Mailbag: My Boyfriend’s Friends Hate Me

Boyfriend's friends

Hey Rachel,

So, first off, I looooove your articles. You’re hilarious. Okay, so here’s my problem.

My boyfriend’s friends hate me. Like, they don’t mildly dislike me. They literally hate me.

He lived with a guy and that dude’s girlfriend. Then there’s another girl in their little group.

We started dating about a year ago, but before that, we just hooked up for a while. All was great. I hung out with his friends, partied with them, went out to dinner with his group. I thought they loved me. When he asked me to be official, I was hesitant. I liked the casual thing we had going, even though I did really like him. His friends talked to me one night, encouraging me to date him. We were official the next day.

Then came the wedding. The girlfriend’s sister was getting married. My boyfriend had agreed to bring the other girl as a friend before he was dating me. But, since he was with me closer to that time, he told her he’d rather bring me. Kinda rude, I know. I encouraged him to just go with her, but he refused. The girlfriend then told him he was no longer invited if he didn’t bring their friend. So he didn’t go.

They lost their minds. They refused to be in the same room as me. Like literally they would eat dinner in their bedroom if he invited me over. Finally, they moved out.

A few weeks later, they broke into the apartment while drunk. They said they wouldn’t be friends with him if he kept dating me, because I “ruined everything”. He told them he didn’t want to be friends with people like that. I don’t know if they’re just jealous of me or if I genuinely suck. I would never give up my friends for a guy so I do feel guilty.

The Disliked Girlfriend

Dear Disliked,

First of all, I don’t think the problem is that your boyfriend’s friends don’t like you. I think the problem is that your boyfriend’s friends sort of suck. Or maybe your boyfriend sucks. Or maybe just the whole situation in general sucks. Whatever it is, it’s weird. But I don’t necessarily think it’s your fault.

Maybe he didn’t handle to situation the best, but these assholes? They definitely didn’t handle it the best. I think the source of most of our problems, and the solutions, is communication. He should have expressed his feelings calmly. They should have been open and understanding to the situation. Together they should have come up with a solution. But they didn’t. Such is life. And now you’re dealing with not only a crappy situation, but also an illegal one.

They took a dramatic fight and turned it into “breaking and entering.” It sounds like they sort of wanted him to get with their other friend. And they made a huge deal out of something that’s not a huge deal at someone’s wedding. Shit’s messed up. If you ask me though (which you did), the problem is already working itself out. Your boyfriend says he doesn’t want to be friends with people like that. And he shouldn’t. You’re being understanding, and encouraging him to mend things. Bravo. But the fact that he doesn’t want to (and I wouldn’t either), says something. Support him in his decision and don’t nag him about it. No one wants friends who will turn their backs on you when things don’t go exactly as planned. And while you’re busy cutting these people out of your lives, maybe change your locks?

The thing is, however, it really is shitty when your boyfriend’s friends don’t like you. So here are a few simple things you can do in a normal, not totally, insanely, criminal situation.

Try To Understand Why

Did you hook up with his friend before him? Are you always texting him when he’s with them. Do you “not let” him do things? Try to see if there’s a reason that they’re not too keen on you. Maybe, just maybe, you are being a total bitch. Take a peek at your relationship from the outside, and ask yourself: would you want to be friends with you?

Be Respectful Of Their Relationship

I know, I know. He’s YOUR boyfriend. And YOU come first. And sure, I get it. But he has other important relationships too. And if you really love him, you’ll want him to work on those too. Or at least make it seem like you do. Be sure to take some time to yourself and your other relationships so that he has time to focus on his. Don’t tag along to everything. Encourage him to have a guys night, or invite a group of both of your friends out together. Show them that you value their relationship with him, and in return they’ll value yours too.

Get To Know Them

Try not to just think of them as your boyfriend’s friends who you’re trying to win over. Think of them as people. Actually get to know them. Don’t look at them as a checklist item, but as potential friends. Practice active listening, and maybe talk about yourself a littleeee less. They’ll appreciate that their boy is with a girl who can actually hold a conversation. Bonus points if you don’t bring up the Kardashians.

Woo Them

Just like you did with the fam, make sure to woo them just a bit. Stopping by a party at their house? Be sure to pick up a 6-pack. Boyfriend inviting them over to watch some game? Make some nachos and watch them fall over themselves. Bake the cookies. Grab the drinks. Toast the sandwiches. Go above and beyond and they’ll be in the palm of your hand in no time.

Accept That Not Everyone Will Like You

So you’ve done it all. You’ve worked your ass off, and you’re a decent human, and you still don’t get why they don’t like you. You have a few options. You can discuss it with the BF. You can discuss it with the BF’s friends (a little more risky), or you can just let it go. There’s a reason why your guy wants to be with you. And sometimes, people just don’t like other people. Maybe it’s your face. Maybe it the fact that they’re all secretly in love with you, à la Love Actually, or maybe they’re just dicks. Whatever it is, sometimes you just have to accept that they don’t like you and move on. At the end of the day, they’re not the ones who have to put up with your boyfriend’s storing and inability to clean his own dishes, and that makes you special.

I know they say money can’t buy you love, but when it comes to your boyfriend’s friends, beer, sandwiches, and not being a total bitch can usually do the trick. And if all else fails, whatever. Less football talk and weird jealousy towards his friends’ girlfriends for you.

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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