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Mailbag: My Boyfriend Won’t Stop Asking For Butt Stuff

Butt Stuff

I’ve seen the hashtag #ButtStuff2014 way more times than I’m comfortable admitting, thanks to the fellows over at TFM. Apparently, it’s filtering its way into your lives, and either I’ve been sending out the wrong vibes or you just really trust me that much, because you, dear readers, think I am the appropriate person to ask advice from on this one. But what the hell. I’ll give it a shot.

From our reader:

Hey Hot Piece…Veronica…I don’t know what you prefer,

First of all, I am obsessed with TSM and you and pretty much everything you’ve ever written. I’m not kidding, I’m nervous even emailing you, but not in a creepy way. Promise. Anyway, I know you’ve done mailbags before, and I’m just going to come out and say it. Since I’m pretty sure you’re the female Jesus, I need your wise words. My boyfriend wants butt stuff, like all the butt stuff. Like penis in the butt stuff. I know that every guy wants that at least a little bit, but he seriously will not leave me alone about it. I really love him, and I want to be able to be the vixen I know every guy secretly wants, but…the hole is so small, and his penis is so big average sized. It freaks me out! He won’t take no for an answer. Why is he so obsessed with this and how do I get him to quit asking!

Loyally yours,
Butt Virgin

Hey girl,

First and foremost, I am a little bit in love with the fact that Dorn is regularly told to go fuck himself in his mailbags, and you just told me that you pray to me instead of Allah, Buddha, Zeus, or Kris Jenner. Anyway, this is an important topic, because we, in the Greek community, seem to have a butt stuff problem. It needs to be addressed. Take comfort in the fact that at the very least, you are not alone, and that your boyfriend being fascinated by the gay man’s entrance (probably) does not mean he’s a homosexual.

To start, let’s dive into the man-brain for a second. Why are they obsessed with the back door? There are a few theories, all of which basically lead to the same underlying issue: men are disgusting. I’ve always assumed that part of it comes from the fact that they realize very few normal chicks are virgins these days (sorry virgins), but that MANY are “butt virgins,” as you’ve so eloquently dubbed the term. They have some weird primal shit that makes them feel like being the first to conquer some area of your body makes them special. At the very least, it’s good for their ego to go where no man had gone before. They want to be the man who got you to do the thing that no girl really wants to do.

Another big contributor is porn. It’s truly incredible that when men see a fake girl with fake tits in a fake setting saying fake things, they think she’s having real sex. They are willing to suspend all their disbelief and think that girls can fall so truly in love with some man’s dick that if it touches her in any place, she will be instantly moved to orgasm. They want to be that dick.

And, of course, the final theory I’ve heard about why guys want butt stuff: it’s basically just one of the dirtiest things you can do without crossing over to “kink,” and men are dirty creatures whom I’d want nothing to do with if it wasn’t for wallets and beards.

There are basically three paths you can take that will lead you to the firm “no,” you’re looking to land on, but it really depends on your comfort level.

1. Give In A Little Bit

THIS IS NOT A METHOD FOR EVERYONE, but it sounds like you’re a little adventurous–just not ready or willing to have a dick in your butt. That’s fine, because it’s a big step. If a small part of you is considering it, though, you can start out by offering him a little compromise, the butt stuff starter kit. I know it sounds weird and dirty, but the older I get, the more I realize that some butt stuff is not that weird. It is highly likely that at some point in your life, you will have a finger in your butt. Someone will inevitably be a “sloppy eater,” and it will freak you out at first. Then you’ll realize it’s less invasive than a blow job and you’ll go back to planning out your outfit for the next day.

If you’re trying to be open-minded, start small. Let him touch you. Get comfortable with him being over there. It is possible that you’ll like it, but I’m not trying to convince you to fully commit. Here’s the twist with giving him just a little: if you hate it, now you have MORE of a reason to say no to anal sex. “Babe, I’m sorry. I really tried to be open-minded for you, but I just hated everything about that. I didn’t like how it felt at all, and I really tried, but I don’t think this is a path I can go down,” you can say. Feel free to exaggerate a little. Maybe even cry: “I love you so much and I wanted to do this for you, but I’m just not the kind of girl who can be comfortable with this, and I’m not sure I ever will be.” And boom, now he’s asshole (no pun intended) of the year if he keeps persisting after you were the best girlfriend ever. Maybe you’ll even get a present for your troubles.

But keep in mind, if you decide this is too much for you, DO NOT DO IT. Besides, we still have two other options.

2. Humor And Horror Stories

Personally, this has always been my first line of defense. It’s not as sturdy as pretending to be in emotional shambles, but on probably 60 percent of guys, it’ll be enough. Basically, you just need to work on convincing him that butt sex will literally be the worst thing he ever does. In a world where you’re constantly trying to convince him you don’t poop, remind him that you do. Tell him your gay best friend has been in this situation multiple times when shit happens–and I mean that literally. Shit actually happens. Anal leakage and accidental poops are real things that really occur as a result of anal sex. Does he feel attracted to you now? Probably not. You can even enhance it and make up some stuff. Just say, “Poo can leak out of the ass and into the urethra, which can cause an infection.” That may be true, I have no idea. But it will scare him, at least a little.

While you’re working on your horror stories, be sure to emphasize the fact that THIS IS HOW GAY MEN HAVE SEX. Nothing, not even shit inside his dick, will scare a guy more than the thought that someone might think he’s gay (which, by the way, is insane–I think every woman I’ve ever asked has had a moment where she admitted that while she’d never lick a v-jay, she’d consider letting a girl do it to her given the right circumstance). But, like I said, men are weird. And while we’re on the subject of gay sex, tell him that if he lets you put something penis-sized up his ass first, you’ll consider it and maybe start getting more comfortable with the idea. That should shut his lips and your cheeks at least for a little while.

3. Get Dramatic About It

Unfortunately, men often take “no” to mean “try harder.” It’s a result of this fucked up society where women are told if they’re harder to get, they’re easier to want. No one ever knows what anyone’s thinking and it’s a whole big mess of questionable consent, which is a topic for a different, much more serious column.

So, to show him you’re not fucking around, you’re probably going to have to be a scary PMS-monster about it, but without the PMS part. Say, “You have asked me this 501 times, and 501 times, I have said no. I don’t want to fucking do it, and I’m never going to want to fucking do it. I don’t know why you keep asking me, but frankly, it’s not only rude and disrespectful, but it’s flat-out offensive. If I ever ‘give in,’ it’s not going to be because I want to, it’s going to be because you coerced me into it, and if you ask me, it’s pretty fucking rapey of you to repeatedly beg me to do something that you FULLY know I don’t want to do. Don’t fucking ask me again. And if, in your sick mind, this is a dealbreaker, then there’s the fucking door. The front door. The one you came in through.”

OoOoOo. Spooky.

Of course, getting real with a guy who really won’t respect your wishes is eventually going to be your best option. You can’t blame a guy for asking, and you can’t really blame him for asking twice, but if he’s making you uncomfortable, he needs to know that. He needs to know that he’s wrong, and you need to be brave enough to tell him.

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Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

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