Mailbag: My Boyfriend Won’t Have Sex With Me

My Boyfriend Won't Have Sex With Me

So, I am recently (as of a few weeks ago) in my first FBO relationship since high school. My first two years of college I spent messing around with everyone, and now I have finally found someone worth committing to. He’s super great and handsome and we have so many fun times together… except in bed. He won’t have sex with me. Now, I know what you’re thinking. It’s cute that he wants to wait and it means he really respects me. I definitely agree with that, and it’s something I really like and respect about him. On the other hand, however, we have been hooking up for a total of five months, and we’ve done literally everything else. He isn’t a virgin, and I’m not either. I’ve tried to initiate sex while we’re doing other things but it ends up just being awkward and it hasn’t happened yet. About two months ago he said we should wait until things were “official” and then they became “official” and we still haven’t boned yet. I know that sex isn’t the be-all and end-all, and it’s definitely not putting a strain on our relationship or anything like that, but I have needs and it would be nice to get laid once in a blue moon with this man who I’m obsessed with in every other way. I really don’t feel like it would be rushing into it since we’ve been together for a decent amount of time. Am I unappealing or am I just going about this in the wrong way? Please help!

Okay, missy, let’s just get one thing straight. You do not “know what I’m thinking,” especially when you think I’m thinking “It’s cute that he wants to wait and it means he really respects [you].” I do not think that. At all. You have been dating for five months, he is your official boyfriend, and you want to have sex. It’s not cute. It’s a little bit weird. He’s not waiting out of respect for you, because as you’ve mentioned, this isn’t what you want. In fact, this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.

First, you need to figure out why he doesn’t seem to be interested in sex. Off the top of my head, there are a few reasons a guy might not want to screw his girlfriend.

1. Something funky is going on with his dick.
He may be impotent. He may have herpes. It may just be kind of funny-looking and he’s self-conscious about you seeing it. Guys have insecurities too, and pretty much all of their confidence is tied to their manhood. I don’t know why it is. I’m not too concerned about how my labia minora measures up against my best friend’s — I only care about things on the outside, like how skinny she is or where she buys her clothes. Guys freak out about this kind of thing. If he were — God forbid — diseased, that’s something he should let you know, and if he’s somehow self-conscious, all you need to do is to make sure he knows how attracted you are to him, and his banana curved dick. In your case, it’s probably not his penis, since you’ve seen it touched it and “done everything else with it.” — Also, stop saying you’ve done everything else, because it makes it sound like you’ve had anal, and since he’s not fucking you, I don’t think you have.

2. He’s a virgin
I know you said he’s not a virgin, but just like girls say “I’ve never done this before” when that clearly isn’t true, guys often say that they have. You need to figure out just how “not a virgin” he is. Did he have sex one time when he was drunk? Did he have a two-year relationship? A series of drunken one-night stands? They all say very different things about your level of experience and confidence in the boudoir. Remember the second time you had sex? And how in control you still didn’t feel and how much of a handle on the situation you still didn’t have? He might still just not know what he’s doing, and especially if he knows you’ve been with a bunch of other guys, he might be really intimidated. In this case, you need to have sex in a way that doesn’t put pressure on him. Take the lead. Put the condom on him, and hop on top. If he doesn’t feel like he has to do all the work and “prove” himself to you, he might be so nervous to get to work.

3. Morality
Believe it or not, not all guys just want sex. Some of them think it’s a really big deal. Annoying, I know. It doesn’t feel great when you’re wearing the pants in the relationship — or rather, the one who’s more eager to take them off. You feel rejected and weird when he’s getting his panties all in a bunch about something that is just a normal part of a healthy relationship for you — like going out for ice cream, or memorizing his credit card number. This is something he needs to make clear to you if it’s how he feels. He may want to wait a whole year. He just may not feel comfortable with it, morally. And if that is the case, you need to evaluate your own needs and wants against his. If this is not the kind of relationship you want, you deserve to know that and make that choice — and don’t feel bad for breaking up “because of sex.” If you’re not compatible sexually, you’re not compatible. Conversely, if you think he is worth waiting for, then you should wait and stop pressuring him until he’s ready. It’s you who will need to be the “cute and respectful” one here.

4. He’s Gay
This seems like the most thoughtless answer, and I almost didn’t want to include it, but it is a distinct possibility. I have many friends with gay ex-boyfriends, and you can’t discount it. I’m not trying to say your boyfriend is gay. He probably isn’t. But if he is, uhhh, at least you know you weren’t doing anything wrong.

In short, I think you need to have a conversation with your boyfriend and really get to the bottom of why he doesn’t seem interested in sex. You need to have this conversation in a situation where sex is absolutely not on the table: think day time, maybe over lunch or coffee, or on a walk. Just don’t let him feel like this conversation is you trying to seduce him — you just want to know what’s up. Explain how it’s making you feel. You are obsessively attracted to him and it makes you wonder if maybe he doesn’t feel the same way. Make sure he knows if there is a reason he doesn’t want to sleep together that you will understand and work through it together — you just need to know what that is.

Good luck. And in the meantime, don’t underestimate the power of masturbating. Yup, I went there.

Image via Shutterstock

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Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at

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